Next Time

Mon, 05/19/2014 - 00:00 -- efhuman

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"Next Time."
Wake up, with a smile and thank God for another day. Nobody knows the pain I'm going through because this world is crazy enough without me adding my personal problems to the mix. 
 
The hurt builds but I won't give in, I'll tell someone next time around. I promise. 
 
Going through school, I can feel people talking.... Crazy how it's taunting me to retaliate but I won't. It's not worth it. I don't know how much more I can take. But I'll still smile because it's easier than explaining my problems to people. 
 
I'm sick and tired of a lot these days, but no worries. I'll let somebody know the next time. I promise.
 
The feeling that nobody cares is a crazy one. No matter how much I brush it off, little shit is still getting to me. But I have to keep smiling or I know I'll lose it. 
 
Starting to think that maybe I should tell someone, but if they REALLY knew... I shouldn't have to tell..right? I'll let it all out the next time, I promise. 
 
I didn't know it was possible to feel this way. So dirty, unloved, and alone. What did I do to deserve this punishment? I can't stand it any longer. 
 
Today was the day, I finally spoke up. But she didn't believe me and it hurts. How can a pain this great be a figment of my imagination? I don't know what I'll do if nobody believes me next time.
 
I've come to a conclusion: I wasn't meant to be born. That's the only solution, otherwise this wouldn't be happening to me. God never designed a purpose for my life.
 
I decided to try one more time. Revealing the truth I've been hiding for so long.. My friends will believe me this time. I have little faith left, my life depends on this. 
 
It happened again. My friends denied my claims and deserted me. I have nothing left in this world...I've run out of time. 
 
As I stare at the barrel of this gun I know there's no way out now. But I wish it didn't end this way for me.. I had aspirations of a career and a family.. But who would love me? 
 
Looking down at my funeral, I can feel the guilt from those who knew the truth and didn't believe me. The disbelief from everyone who thought I was happy. The regret from those who knew something deeper was hidden underneath my smile, and never asked. 
 
Just goes to show that a smile doesn't equal happiness and a frown doesn't equal pain. I could've kept trying but I knew there was no sunshine following my rain.
 
A hurting heart shows no signs, and a troubled mind can go unnoticed forever.. But when you've tried and failed, no mater how hard it is...KEEP TRYING until you're heard. 
 
Learn from my story so there will be many more "next times" and a life isn't cut short like mine.
 
- for all the kids who've been molested, physically or emotionally abused, bullied, or simply made to feel like they weren't worth the love...that believed they ran out of time. -
 
Guide that inspired this poem: 

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