Nine

When I was twelve,  
I was so down, 
Seemed so easy to put on a smile,
Not everyone knew,
Deep down,
All the pain and hurt all around,
It wasn't hard to sit down,
And write down everything I have inside,
Because I let go and gave up,
All the anger and neglect, 
It all started when I was around nine,
Fuck all I knew was be kind,
Mama brought this man by,
I thought maybe this time,
He stayed and made days seem so good,
Till one day he got his way and
Took a drink of some vodka gray, 
Off he went on a rampage, 
Yelling and screaming till the cops came,
By then I was dried out and in pain,
Now he didn't lay a hand on me,
But both on her,
My mom my queen she was just so hurt,
It felt so bad to see her cry,
Laying her head while drying her eyes,
I tried to make sure she didn't lie,
But out came love and one more line,
She told the cops no one hurt just alcohol hit its all fine
God damn now I was the one hurt, 
I looked at my mom and sat down holding my head thinking "why oh why",

Months past by and it was the same damn guy,
Man you bet every night,
Same thing,

same routine, 
Now its thanksgiving, 
Time flies,
Sitting at the table with that guy, 
He didn't mean shit in my eyes,
So why did i have to lie,
We all said thanks then went the plates,
Look to my left all teary eyed,
Man I wish he could fucking die,
Now that's the time I was nine 
I tell you its even better when I found that gun I believe a nine,
And when I held it, 

it felt fine,
He was laying on the bed trying to scroll thru TV,
And out came fear and anger that was inside of me,
pop pop
two to the dome and one to the bed, 
It was all so fast and very red,
I thought to myself don't worry he ain't dead, 
Momma came home tired and with dread,
She went to the room and saw his head, 
Screaming and crying she did once again,
Not because she was beaten but because she had to let go of something she once had,
Cops came and I'm still shocked, 
They were asking questions like was it a glock,
Did you do it with the doors locked,
Cuffs on my hands wishing this would all stop,
Like I said nobody knew what I went through, 
Now I'm here talking to my mom thru a window,
Crazy life and crazy times, 
But in the end its all gone,
No more guns and no more fights,
No more crying on many nights,
And no more getting hit by that guy,
Mama you made it so please don't cry,
I did what I did because it felt right,
I'm in trouble now so please write..

 I love you..
`Jayy Love

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
Our world

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