I am a survivor.
Maybe not a typical survivor, but a survivor.
My life since then has changed for the better.
My assault has made me, well, me.
I grew up in the typical, American home.
Divorced parents at age 2
Stuck living in a world of "Who will I be staying with this weekend, mommy or daddy?"
One older brother, the black sheep
Drugs were his field of expertise.
I was raised like any other girl in the south.
Manners, beauty and charm.
But my assault changed my raising.
Manners, beauty and charm no longer mattered after what he did.
Too many beauty pageants and too many crowns
Pretty green eyes and long hair, a dark shade of brown.
It was all I knew, how to flaunt myself.
From age 4, it became a neverending cycle.
Spray tans, gallons of makeup and so many dresses
My family was pushing me so hard to achieve perfection.
That is probably why I am a perfectionist today,
I try to do amazing in every club I am in and I push myself to make straight A's.
After my assault, I don't let anything stand in my way.
My assault was horrific,
Blood, broken ribs, bruises and pain.
So many times, over and over again.
I was too young to know that this wasn't supposed to happen to me.
That's why I didn't tell anyone,
Until I lost my baby.
Rape is a hard thing to discuss,
So is domestic violence,
but when you have been through both,
you BEG for a listener.
I am no longer afraid.
No longer scared of IT.
I would call IT a him, if he wouldn't have tried to kill me.
Court cases and phone calls,
bloody evidence and hospital trips,
that is what made me.
My soul formed out of the makings of a terrible crime
The crime that started all my pain and ended all my fear.
I am no longer afraid to be me.
I am allowed to enjoy old music and crappy TV.
I can sing and dance, wear whatever I feel looks good.
No one is in control of me, and I can't let that happen again.
I will never be a typical survivor,
I will never go back to that ME.
I am content where I am now
Without a care in the world,
I want to paint the stars and climb mountains,
travel the world and experience the cultures.
I want to get lost in another world, another time.
I am still figuring out who I fully am.
I know what I like and dislike, but those things don't make a person.
What makes a person is their history,
their own, personal text book.
Filled with images and memories.
That is what defines you,
That is what defines me.
I am still writing that book,
not even a quarter of the way through.
I'll get there eventually,
after I am finished writing my not so typical survivor story.