oh what have these past months done to me
it started with a wave
no
a tsunami.
it started with a tsunami
bringing chaos to the order
crushing the structure
flooding normal
until i was drowning in an endless ocean
an infinite ocean
an ocean that covered the entire universe yes it truly was
an infinite ocean
and i was the only one who didn't know how to swim.
id look up through the crystal clear water and
see plain faces staring back at me and
when i was trying to beg for help all that my mouth could say was
"I'm fine."
they prolonged the suffering with small doses of oxygen in the form of pills and therapy
but my lungs were still shrived and my body was still on fire
yet somehow submerged in water.
i tried to cut them off my arms but the blades went through and caught on my skin
i tried to purge it all but they could smell the bile
i tried not taking anything but they open my jaw like a door on a rusty hinge and shoved despair and self hatred inside
yes self hatred
yes self hatred.
when the ocean dried up i was the only one who was stuck in the ruins.
no one seemed to notice my crumbling world
the decomposing structures and rotting trees
i wasn't drowning anymore
but i began to miss the water.
at least it was a place to be
something i always knew would be there even if it were drowning me
at least i knew i was drowning but now
now i walk hundreds of miles a day trying to find another home,
trying to find something else as secure and sure as the water.
but everything is barren wasteland
an empty desert with occasional reminence of who i was before the storm
like crumpled pictures or ashes of a memory or flattened gum packages
I'm so lost