Old and Gray

Sat, 09/13/2014 - 16:41 -- SRaine

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The true me is outgoing and hilarious. Some days, I think I should become a comedian, because I love to make a smile spread across someone’s face. I think that’s the greatest joy.
But it’s hard to be outgoing though when nobody wants to talk to you, and it’s hard to be hilarious when you’re weighted down by sadness.

 

What’s preventing me from pulling back the curtain?
Judgment. Everyday judgment is there waiting at my door.
When people look at me, I can see judgment in their eyes and facial expressions. They wear pink designer outfits, while I wear black clothing.
I don’t want to be programed what to think and told what to say.
We might like different things, but is that enough to make me an outcast? Apparently it is. Apparently that’s enough to call me names.
It’s hard to be different, but I know one day I am going to thank the heavens that I am different from all of them.

 

The real me loves to socialize with people and have deep, meaningful conversations.
But I can’t do that when no one will give me the time of day. No one will even look at me.
Anxiety runs through my bones, so I can’t interact with people or make eye contact any more. Which makes it even harder.

 

The real me is a really good friend.
I’ll bring you coffee in the morning and wipe your crying eyes when you are sad. I’m always here for all my friends and I’d never betray any of them.
And yet, I have to eat lunch in the library, instead of the cafeteria, because all my friends left me. Why they left me? I don't know.

 

And even though I can’t ‘pull back the curtain’ right now, I know things will get better, and none of this will matter.
Because one day, when I’m old and gray, I’ll look into the eyes of... my spouse and realize how happy I am. I’ll forget all about the people in High School, all the lonely nights, and all the times I was unhappy because nobody would talk to me. I have my whole life ahead of me.

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