The One I Must Call Father

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Why does my heart still grow cold,

When I think of you?

You won't admit your wrong doings,

Passing the blame around,

Unable to see the truth.

Not allowing it to be seen,

Lies fill your heart,

Enabling you to sleep at night.

How can you be so blind?

How can you not realize what you are doing?

You must have some idea,

A faint notion,

Of the pain you have caused,

And still cause me.

Why do I allow you to hurt me so?

Why do I have such a hard time saying good-bye,

When it comes so easy to you?

Why, even now do I consider your return?

When I know you'll just leave again?

Your pattern has become predictable.

Your place in my memory is small and dim,

And it grows dimmer every day,

How long before I can no longer,

See your face?

Hear your voice?

How long before I can look back,

Without tears to cloud my vision?

Will that day ever come?

Will you allow it to?

Will you let me be?

Will you allow me a Father who cares?

Will you still claim to be what you aren't?

You say you'll be there,

You've said it before.

You say you'll try,

But trying isn't enough.

You say you love me,

You uttered those words so carelessly,

So many times.

Those words, now empty,

When they come from your lips.

How I wish that we could go back,

Rewrite that chapter of our life,

So that maybe,

This time,

You'll care enough,

To grant me the happy ending,

That I dream of.

But in the end I must remember

It was You who made this decision,

You made it when you first walked away,

And every time since,

You made it every time you lied,

With every promise you broke,

And every empty word you spoke.

As I pour my soul to paper,

I wonder if these words will ever be read by you.

I wonder if you'll ever understand,

Truly understand,

What you did to me.

How much you hurt me.

If by chance,

You do read these words,

I want you to know -

That despite everything,

Despite all the lies you told,

All the times you left,

All the tears shed,

You are my Father,

And I fear that I will always feel pain,

When I think of you,

Because, in the end,

I know that,

I will always love you. 

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