The Other Me

The Other Me

 

Happiness

(adjective)

Feeling pleasure or joy

It’s the perky energetic kid that has

All the wonders in the world

Everybody thinks she’s happy

Why wouldn’t she be?

11, sitting at her desk with a smile big enough to make her eyes disappear

She’s funny

She’s smart

She has everything going for her 

She has something going for her

But no one really knows it

No one really knows what it feels to sit in a room filled with noises and all I hear is silence

No one knows what it like is to be placed in a world with 7 billion people and all I feel is emptiness and loneliness

And that shit doesn’t change

No one chooses this

No one enjoys this

No one wakes up and says

Hey today I am going to be depressed

No.

No one does that

But what people do say is

Get over it

So what

Life sucks and then you move on

So move on

Move

Move towards the idea of happiness

Happiness

The feeling that people live for

But the feeling isn’t real

It’s an adjective

An adjective that kills me when I am still alive because it means nothing without an emotion

Words mean nothing without emotion

What good is happiness if you don’t understand it?

What good is love if you don’t accept it?

And what good is cursing if you don’t get anything out of it?

Try it

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck the idea of being happy

What does it even mean?

I can sit here and try all day

Looking it up online and asking professionals

Or should I just sit here and trust the media & what I watch in the movies or read in books

Because the way it looks in the movies or portrayed in the books make it seem like it’s a scene cut

Into three parts

Ready.

Set.

Action.

What if happiness is an action?

Is happiness a little girl picking flowers?

Or a little boy playing with his cars?

Is happiness coming from a loving family?

Or getting good grades?

 

And although that happiness seems great to some

It isn’t a reality for me

What if that sort of happiness doesn’t exist for someone?

What if that garden full of flowers never existed or those toy cars weren’t real?

What if that family was anything but loving and the report cards looked more like an army of failures instead of a bright future at an ivy league?

 

 

 

Fast forward some three years

At 14 that same girl with that same bright smile

Sitting in her desk

Making everyone love her.

She’s happy

Why wouldn’t she be?

I’m sitting in my room the way I sit in the class

Pretending to be present when in reality I’m anywhere but

Please don’t mind me

Pease don’t mind the other me

Because I live in my mind

My mind - the place I thought was safest is actually the place that haunts me the most

Negative phrases are teased by the voices of those I thought cared about me

I’m not good enough

Yes I am

No I’m not

Fine

I’m fine

The lies still come out of my mouth like spit

Flowing so naturally like the blood flowing through my veins

Her veins

And she sits there looking at everyone’s eyes with a smile on her face saying

No really I am fine but her mind is a prison for the other me screaming

Let me out

Help me

Please

Please because I’m trapped in my own world

But I’m fine

I promise

I promise it won’t hurt

I promise it will make it better

Says the other me as I add another addition to my scar collection

The only pain I thought I can control is the pain that controls me

And while one me is doing the action the other me is busy hearing the voices

The voices from my mom and dad and boyfriend and siblings and teachers

The voices that yell

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT

Because even though they’ve never said it

The other me hears them say it

And even once it’s finished

When all the voices are silenced

I still hear it

I still hear the other me

I’m fine

Because that fucker doesn’t leave

She stays there until it is time for her to act out again

 

And I fast forward another three years

Because at 17 the biggest dilemma is what to wear to prom

But the prom means nothing if I can’t go a day without flushing my body down the bathroom stalls

The stalls that hold more secrets than my own diary and yet

When I finish and stick that altoid in my mouth I look at the mirror and say to myself

I say to her

Yes I’m fine

Fine

No I’m not

Yes I am

 

Because the lies keep getting bigger and bigger

So big that they pile up and become the skyscraper that I want to fly out of window from

See because it all makes sense

It was never a hell

It was a dream

And in the dream society was cruel and viewed at mental illnesses like the common flu

Oh you’re depressed

You’ll feel better tomorrow

You’re bipolar

So am I when I don’t get enough sleep

Oh you’re bulimic

I skipped breakfast today I guess that makes me anorexic too

See in my dreams

I kept seeking help praying for the last resort

Thinking someone is out there

Someone can hear the other me

But no one does

No one hears it because it’s in me

It is me

She is me

I am her

The other me

And the ridicule that humanity gave is the hand that helped push me through the window

The window that led to the happily ever after

The window that led to happiness

The true definition of happiness

Freedom

 

Freedom from the demons within

Freedom from the pain

Freedom from the wounds and the scars

Because in the society that she lives in they don’t exist

I woke up outside of that skyscraper

On that cold ground

And saw happiness

Felt it

For the first time in 18 years I figured out the escape clause

But when I looked down I had to make the choice

 

Do I go back and face the names and pain and mockery and fright

in an attempt to survive and live a life?

Or do I walk further into this happiness

And leave the other me behind?

 

 

 

 

 

link for adobe voice video http://voice.adobe.com/v/QUIQ_2SKkgs

Guide that inspired this poem: 

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