Pain and Me

I can feel the pain
sucking marrow from my bone
leaving a blinding headache behind
wishing for the pain to stop
Yearning for the ache to fade
Hoping for a moment of bliss
To come and wrap me in a hug

It's harder
Day after damn day
Acting like I am okay
I'm not fucking okay

Yet if I say
Guilt is but they make me feel
And that night I cry
Knowing they heard about my pain
And just turned the other way

I'm okay I say
Because if I speak the truth
They think I lie
"No way" they exclaim
Because they have grown up
Oblivious to the emotions I hide

And even the ones who see
Hust bits of the true me
Shy away
And eventually run
Even though they promise to stay

Yet no one ever stays
There's only so much broken
That friends family and loved ones can take
Little do they know
This Brokenness that resides inside

Isn't just mine
It's his and hers and yours
A magnet I am to the broken
It will stick inside
Become part of mine

With just a word or a look or a cry
From anyone beside
Or anyone I meet

"You're not God" a teacher once said
"You're not Invincible to pain you take too much inside"
She explained
And for this I knew

But I can't show it
To any one day after day
It sticks inside day after day
I change it

No one will ever know
No one will ever believe
This broken I have inside isn't just because of me

"Faker" they will say
"Liar" they will spit
Run is what they do

Day after day the cycle repeats
And I can't help it
You'll never know how much I take
I can't ever show

So day after day
I paste on the mask
And when I'm alone
It shall break

And I try to let it break free
And for a split second it does
Just to be sucked right back inside

You could see this mask slightly crack
But only when I write
And the pain is locked
Into page after page
Word after word

And slowly so slowly it'll finally fade

And I will have to
Do the same
The very next day or night

Writing
It helps me live
Helps this broken girl
Become less broken
And if I don't write or type
For some time

I become worse

It's bad I know
But medicine doesn't help
I don't think a pill exists
For a girl who not only has her pain inside
But the pain of others
Right beside
Mixed in
To form me

Awful
It might seem
And it is

But as long as I live
I know day after day I have
Sucked some others pain inside

And I smile
Knowing
Because of that
They will be okay
Even if
It kills me inside

-The real me

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741