The People Who Surround Me

Ever since I was five I've had stage fright,
and recurring terrors every night.
I used to lay in my bed,
while negative images flowed throughout my head.
Looking back on those moments I get chills down my spine,
I was so far away from even being considered fine.
Lost in translation of my own thoughts,
wondering why I cannot be happy with what I got.
It feels like the world is spinning,
yet I can't seem to fit in.
Everyone is moving on,
and here I am living as a temporary yawn.
Everybody is either this or that,
I feel equivalent to a forgotten rat.
Scourging around with my face stuck in a frown,
trying to find peace in this messed up town.
I tell myself it is going to be okay,
but day by day that vision starts to decay.  
I cry like it is my job,
and get frustrated because it's all overrated.
I'm bored, I'm tired,
and emotionally not wired.
I dislike going to school,
because it brings out my inner fool.
I can't even focus,
my mind jumps from place to place like I am in a race.
My brain has become a train, moving down the track,
ready to attack anyone who makes eye contact.
I feel bad for those who hear my yell,
they don't deserve the wrath of my emotional hell.
My inner self is an atomic bomb,
killing the innocent because I cannot stay calm.
I feel like I'm stuck in solitary confinement,
I am dying inside and no one seems to get the hint.
Internally exhausted and I feel like I have lost it.
Going insane,
lost structure of my physiological membrane.
I guess I'm just emotional,
my mind is out of control.
This is my reality,
a life full of fatality.
Some days are different, I wake up feeling happy,
realize life is not all that crappy.
Until some person comes up and tries to test me,
sending my mood into another galaxy.
Floating in space without a trace,
of that jerks dumb face.
That is where I would rather be,
disintegrating, but at least I'm free.
Free from everyone with an irrelevant excuse,
for why they gave me nothing but abuse.
I was not at my best,
had no way of putting my issues to rest.
I grew up as this child, treated like a freak,
because my sadness was unique.
I was more shy than any other kid,
and I was fine with it.
Somehow it was wrong to be different,
and it all came to me in that instant .
I was not like everyone else,
even now that is how I have always felt.
People looked at me like I needed help,
like I was an inconvenience, but never let out a whelp.  
I was told I need to stop,
so other people's problems could be put on top.
While mind were ignored,
I was going to fight it, but I got bored.
Bored of trying to get attention,
from people who gave my feelings nothing but detention.
I am stuck in a fence and becoming tense,
from all of this complete nonsense.
It is like my condition is a repetition of good and bad,
and everything on the same level as sad.
I try to throw all my negatives out the window,
but they return and bite me like a black widow.
The bite infects me and reaches into my veins,
turns me into this thing I can no longer change.
My world has turned into an unstable mess,
and each hour I am sick and feel a lot less.
It is like an alien has come down from the great beyond,
took over my body and then they were gone.
I am being ruined by myself,
and nobody but my mother cares to help.
One day I am going to leave home,
and be this person out on my own.
To face a world of haters,
and human alligators.
People who have common sense,
and those who stare at me tense.
They are all judgmental, drowning me in the sea,
because I am attempting to pursue who I wanted to be.
Even though I say I am different,
there are still times where I am completely ignorant.
I put myself down,
make myself wear the most shameful crown.
I do not give to others much either,
I could care less if some had a life threatening fever.
At the end the day I feel foreign,
like some big hated alien.
I did not try to travel to this world to make enemies,
I see certain people and I am thinking I want to be friends with these.
Some look at me up and down, stare into my eyes,
judge me from every spectrum like I am a surprise.
I just want to make peace,
I don't try to be the dangerous alien who starts a feast.
I left my old planet because I was an emotional minefield,
could not hold up another shield.
The species of Ashley were at fault in every which way,
I was bound to go extinct the very next day.
All I am saying is I need a new environment,
filled with people who like to listen when I need to vent.
The ones I called friends kicked me around,
yelled at me not giving me a chance to find common ground.
I have now landed in a place,
where they would never find me or even trace.
My new friends looked funny from the start,
but our vibe went so well one could call it art.
Hanging out until the sun reaches the moment in the sky,
I feel so at peace I don't want to die.
I've found a new emotion that my old kind,
never felt before in their negative minds.
As I lay looking at the atmosphere glowing all pretty in pink,
I realized it's the people who surround you who change how you think.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741