Lose yourself. In the writing, in the moment. Make yourself disappear until there is nothing left to be seen but the raw intensity of your emotion.

 

Be more vulnerable. Expose all the pain and guilt and shame you carry within yourself in order to turn your words into butterflies that kiss the audiences’ eyes

and ears

and heart.

 

I cannot do that.

 

I cannot make myself show something that I do not feel, create something that is not real, or make my words sound pretty.

The same way you cannot hear the pain in my voice when it wraps around your name

 

we all have our own impossibles

 

For me, it is all the shame I carry that choke chains my heart into believing that I am not deserving of feelings.

 

You taught me that.

 

You told me to tuck away the pain, to package each emotion into little invincible bottles so even if they fell they wouldn’t leak a single tear.

You taught me to live my life for something higher than myself and to never touch the grasping hands below me because they would just drag me down.

You taught me not to trust because those who do only get hurt, and those who hurt are weak.

Don’t let anybody get close to me because they will just leave...

now she wants in, but I’ve locked myself out.

She always begs me to just burn that bridge and let her  in,

she doesn’t realize how hard 16 years of trust issues is to rip from someone elses’ hands.

you engrained them in my head,

you carved them in my heart

and even when I cough I still taste your name in the blood erupting from my scarring aorta.

 

To this day I look to the sun and beg him to give me nothing but things that grow

things that move

things that change

I need this in my life

I cannot stand stagnant

 

I look towards the moon and pray that she blesses my life with beauty

and mystery

and wonder.

I need this in my life

for these are all the things life is composed of.

 

I look to you and pray that you forgive me.

for what I do not know, but I do know that I keep finding myself saying I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I am sorry

I don’t think I’ll ever realize that this wasn’t my fault