Rainbow Love

Rainbow Love

 

My sperm donor

Some people would call him my father

Said he loved me more than a rainbow

And that was when I learned  

What his idea of love meant

I knew his love was small

Because i looked up at the sky

Reached for the rainbow

And could crush it inbetween my 2 fingers

So as he said

I love you more than a rainbow

I learned loving any man

Even if it’s family

Meant pleasuring

Meant being taken away from childhood at 6

Meant living in Kansas

Except without Dorothy’s storm shelter

Meant making yourself smaller

So you can’t speak

You can't confess

You can just be a particle  of the rainbow

Meant not being able to sleep

Without your baby sister in your arms

Because his sick twisted rainbow love

Was strong enough to pounce on you

Take you

Cowardly

So maybe if you hold her long enough

She will never learn this  cowardly rainbow love

She will never have to feel chained in her home

It meant not being able to call him father

Not calling him dad

In fact there was no name for a real- life monster

Disguised as a human being

Perhaps lion predator coward was more exact

But there was a pot of gold

There was the possibility of light at the end of the rainbow

You see the phrase somewhere over the rainbow

Meant everything to me

Meant the hope I needed to survive

Because as he claimed his love for me

I realized i was no longer in kansas

As Dorothy would say

I was no longer just his cowardly daughter too afraid to speak

I thought about the new man my mother was dating after my parents divorce

And how he told me he loved me

Except I didn't have to pleasure him

I didn't  have to hold my sister in my arms in his home

I got to sleep

I got to dream

I didn't have to make myself small

He made me the biggest i can be

No a rainbow

But the sky

The sun

The  moon and stars

Anything I wanted to be

This man was a father

This man was not a predator

But a lion who cared for his cubs

So i love you more than a rainbow

Meant I no longer had to see a monster as daddy

But i could finally see light over the rainbow

As dad father hero

The light that showed me who i deserve to be

The pot of gold giving me the richest life

TS.

 

This poem is about: 
My family

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