What did I do to deserve this life sentence? I sit alone and cry, stuck in my thoughts trying to find a way to break free from all this pain and misery. Wishing I could remember what I was fixing to do, or remember what I need to do to complete the task at hand , while I am dying to forget to remember all the pain I have endured. Sadness and heartache are so constant that happiness becomes scary since it is so unfamiliar. When I do feel happiness it is so short-lived and infrequent that I have begun to wonder if it really happened or if it was just a dream. Nightmares come so often along with pain, failure and hurt that it all blurs together, I don't even recognize the difference between my reality and my horror-like slumbers. I continue to love life, and humanity despite the constant let downs and brokeness in my heart, I turn the pain to anger and I rage like a storm of storms, I become destructive and in my rage, I am aware of the destruction I am causing to myself and to anyone in my path. even those I love, but the anger and rage are such a nice break from the pain and sadness that I find it hard to stop, and calm the storm raging on inside of me and around me, so I rage on, rage against the world, rage against myself, until I have exhausted all strength, then as I calm and fall silent in the darkness, and the silence that surrounds me, I somehow find clarity and peace, temporary of course, like the eye of a hurricane, that calm peaceful moment of tranquility before the strongest parts of the storm hit and wreck more havoc, thank God for that moment of peace thru all the chaos, it's in that moment that I find the wisdom I need to rage with more presice skill, destroying only that which destroys me. Leaving behind all the walls and barriers that hold me back, I may have to rebuild some of what I have destroyed, and I do feel bad for those that were affected by this storm inside of me, but I had to rage, even mother nature has to rage to rid herself of toxins that are harmful to her well being. In those storms innocent people suffer as well, but sadly sometimes a whole city needs to be torn down, to rid itself of the weak monuments, so that it can be rebuilt stronger, better, and more beautiful. Some history can't be replaced and the artifacts from it are precious, and then some history needs nothing to stand in a tribute for it, the only thing that history was for was a lesson, not a monument. I had to to rage my storm, I had to rid myself of monuments that were weighing me down and crowding my thoughts, I had to rid myself of the pain, in order to make room for the happiness I have ahead, I was a storm, now I am the rainbow.
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