A Recurring Dream

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When I was born I'm sure my mother had her dreams

Maybe a doctor. I read things up on the internet and instantly "My baby's gonna be a doctor!"

I'm gonna fix up people, broken and not broken with the magical healing power of Western Medicine, the power to rush  patients out of the office with a slip of addiction in their hand and good luck and goodbye and PAY UP or no healing for you. Those pill are expensive, you know.

Maybe a lawyer. I have all the patience in the world and play Devil's advocate like a professional and right away "Girl, you need to be a lawyer"

I'm gonna be a professional deflector, Mom!

and then I said "YOUR HONOR MY CLIENT IS INSANE!" 

"Prove it!" the honor said

"I can't but I'm telling you this... He loves his mother..." I said

"HE IS INNOCENT! SEND THIS MAN TO JAIL AND WE'LL RIOT!" said the jury and it was done or rather, that's how it would have been done should I have become a lawyer because you don't need evidence when your client loves his mother even with blood on his hands

But this was all wrong, cut! do it again! back on your marks! this scene needs to be perfect.

I have a recurring dream 

A dream that my passion for putting ideas on the big screen will meet cute with success and live happily ever after in a loft on the highest floor of a 4 story building in a city

A dream that has been with me since I was 5 and I wrote a story about a bear in the 1st grade and my teacher said I has imagination, and my mother said that was good

A dream that has stuck with me between the age of twelve when I was on the verge of suicidal because I just knew for sure my mother would send me to Hell herself if she knew I had a crush on Patricia the soccer player who folded up her socks on her shoes to make them puffy, all the way through 19 when I was trapped in a box doing nothing but writing to pass the time, until now at 23 I'm a later bloomer college freshman who is obsessed with the idea of a love that may never come true because movies have lied to me my entire life and rejection is the truth

But nevertheless I have a recurring dream

A dream that motivates me because making it is the only way to quit this dead end job and probably still make a miniscule living but at least I'd like my new job and being a slave to it would be fine with me

A dream that says to that girl in middle school, whose name I don't have the regret of remembering, that I can make a movie starring someone people know, and if she wants to be little miss jealous that's her problem not mine because sticks and stones surely do break my bones but words I can analyze why they hurt me and move on

I can't tell my mother sorry

Sorry that I can't be what she wants me to be because the passion isn't there and without passion what's the point of doing it? Financial gain isn't enough to convince me that I should be miserable for the sake of a brand new car or a brand new house because only hobbies come second and I refuse to make passions exactly that

I have a recurring dream and with that dream I hope to bring out the passion in others and others have done for me because if we live in a world of passion then the world will be a greater place

At least that's how I feel

 

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