Regrets and Requests

Location

“You can’t save everyone

People are destined to perish

Some right before your very eyes”

 

I’ve heard that saying before

As a matter of fact, I’ve lived it

And according to the rules of Life

I’m supposed to learn from this

So why can’t I stop caring

 

Tell me why I can’t stop caring

Why I refuse to let go of your hand

Despite the number of times you commanded me to release you

I’ve lost count of how many practical jokes Life has played on me

Giving me hope by masking words like “coincidence” with words like “destiny”

Leading me to believe that maybe, just maybe…

My friendship might actually be of service to you

 

Tell me why I choose to stay

Why I’m looking at the approaching storm

And choose to stay by your side

Maybe I’m an idiot for thinking it’s worth the pain

For thinking that it’s worth breaking my back to see you smile

For thinking that I can actually make you happy

I lie to myself when I say, “It won’t happen again… I promise”

 

Tell me why I’m still alive

Better yet, tell me why you haven’t killed me yet

Tell me why you haven’t dealt the final blow

Tell me your secret

Tell me how you’ve been able to proceed with life as if nothing happened

As if my very existence meant nothing to you

 

Tell me why it pains me to see you like this

Tell me you’re doing okay, even if you’re lying to me

No, scratch that

Tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

Tell me why you can’t talk to me

Tell me what’s wrong

God… Tell me what’s wrong…

 

Tell me why… Why tonight I’d rather be locked up in a prison of apathy

Than to be set free with my emotions

Why I’d rather feel the numbness of nothing

Than the warm touch of something

Why I’m praying for a blizzard

In the middle of April

 

Ha… Actually there’s no need

I know the answer to that one

Because I can’t save a person who doesn’t want to be saved

And that hurts me more than you’ll ever know

 

One last request

Then you can go on with your life

You can go back to screaming, “Let go” as you walk past me in the hallways

You can go back to claiming, “It’s over” as you send me one worded texts

You can go back to freezing me with the cold chill of your consistent silence

 

Tell me… Do you ever lay in bed just as I do tonight

And wonder why you even bothered with me in the first place?

Because I feel the need to be honest

On nights like these

Calm, dark nights where all I can hear is the beating of my heart

The heart that, at one point, beat solely for you

I wonder the exact same thing

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