some days i just feel like crying
no particular reason
just, i have to do it or else
i feel like i haven’t said hello
to myself quite yet

There’s always a battle going on
inside my head
screaming at me and then
calming me down
i don’t know exactly why this happens
it just does

Seasonal Affective Disorder
it’s more than a fancy term for saying
“i get sad when winter comes”
its seeing how miserable it is outside
and realizing that your life is
kinda like that

there’s no particular reason why
or how. or when.
but sometimes light helps
but how can it help
when you can’t get out of bed
because the bed is the only
thing that comforts you anymore

it’s the surprise visitor you’ve been
waiting for
but didn’t know exactly when
they were going to show up

it’s the secret admirer that
finally tells you they’re admiring
you—r best friend

it’s not something that you can
walk around saying you have
because it’s “mysterious” or “edgy”
it’s real, it’s scary, it’s dark and hopeless
feelings you can’t run away from

SAD is more than feeling sad
it’s feeling like the darkness is holding you
hostage in a comfortable place
because it wants to
while you want to go out,
SAD wants to stay in and lay you down in bed
whispering sweet nothings in your ear

sweet nothings meaning sour everything’s
replaying in your mind from every which way
“they didn’t want you there anyway”
or

“they’d get on with their lives if you weren’t here”

they say weight gain is a symptom
well of course it is
it’s a way to try to make you feel less empty
like maybe eating one more double stuffed oreo
would make all the problems go away
so you eat it...and another, and another
until the whole sleeve is gone
the cookies are gone
but the emptiness is still there

SAD is the monster under your bed
just waiting for you to be the most vulnerable
then it sits by your bed holding you
making sure you see that it’s always there

because it is
SAD isn’t just feeling sad, it’s feeling empty
when your cup of hot chocolate is full
while sitting next to the fireplace
in an attempt to remind yourself
what the warmth feels like

check up on your friends
they need you to care