Scared of the Dark.

I heard once, that the “only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

But my god, the way I feel in the dark says otherwise.

 

How can I be expected to feel comfortable in a space where I cannot see 5 inches in front of me?

Not even the playful harassment from friends when they sleep over could ever get me to give up the night light that I use so often it needs a new lightbulb every few weeks.

 

This outrageous fear meant to be grown out of by the age of 5,  follows me for a REASON.

 

Step 1: Identify the root.

Well, its easiest to say, I fear the unknown.

No, dig deeper.

Well, it could be the horror movies I’ve seen?

No, dig deeper.

Well, once..in the dark.

I can’t.

 

Say it.

 

Once in the dark,

Just a ripe 5 years since emerging from my mother’s beautiful crevice,

I experienced a touch I’d never known before.

 

In the dark, I lost the innocence.

No didn’t lose.

Had the innocence meant to be lost by my own choice,

stolen from me by a boy with unwavering curiosity.

Just 5 years prior, I emerged from a place similar to my own galaxy that was now being explored by unfamiliar hands.

 

5 nights, one for every year of my existence.

The petals earned every birthday to be added to the flower,

meant to be gifted to someone I loved one day ,

gently, unapologetically plucked.

Or was this just a dream?

 

Step 2: Acceptance.

No. Not a dream.

My reality.

I lost something in the dark, that can never be returned.

I’ve trained my brain to blame the dark, like it was the obscure aura who grew arms and wrapped me up and rung me me out dry. Not him.

Goddamnit I hate what the dark did to me!

I can’t be left alone….the dark, it’ll do it again! And again!

It happened in the dark, surely, the dark is to blame.

 

Step 3: Coping

Give me light. Give me safety. Give me security through sight.

If I see at all times, nothing can hurt me.

To feel in control, is to be constantly aware of one’s surroundings.

Never. Alone. In. The. Dark.

Goosebumps at the mere flicker of a light,

Heart drops at the sight of an unlit hallway.

The dark is a dangerous place where nasty things happen.

 

Step 4: Healing

Take it day by day.

The dark didn’t do it, he did.

The dark didn’t do it, he did.

The dark didn’t do it-

Sleeping-

10 years : bedroom light on.

1 year: bathroom light on.

11 months: bathroom light on with the door only slightly open.

3 years: dollar store night light on.

Some nights: back to the bedroom light.

 

Dear Dark,

I don’t hate you anymore. You were just so easy to blame. Let’s fight this together.

 

Dear Him,

I don’t hate you. I never got the chance to. You owe the dark an apology.

This poem is about: 
Me
Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 

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