To Settle

When I told my friend that I liked a boy she was ecstatic. She gushed. She squealed. She urged me forward.
When I told my friend he asked me out she screamed. She laughed. She yelled. She asked me when we were going out.
When I went on my first date my friend did everything. She chose my makeup. She picked my clothes. She was right there when he came to my back door.
The date was okay...I.guess.
When I told my friend I didn't want to talk about my date she shrugged it off. She wiggled her eyebrows. She accused me of being coy.
I did not want to tell her that I think he avoided coming onto our floor so his friends did not see him.
I did not want to tell her that when we ran into girls from school he tried to push me off.
I did not want to tell her he arrived hung over.
I did not want to tell her we stopped for medicine to fix his headache.
I did not want to tell her he didn't open the door for me.
I did not want to tell her that this boy, this boy I really like, was dissapointing.
Most of all, I did not want to tell her that I was willing to settle.
I cringed at the thought of revealing that I constantly thought I could never do better.
I trembled to mention that my anxiety lead me to believe that this would be it if I walked away.
When I finally told her that I did not think we would work out my friend said she was proud of me.
She smiled at me. She patted my back. She said that she was relieved that I was not going to settle.
Girls.
If you are a friend.
Do.
Not.
Do.
That.
A girl with anxiety feeds off of other people telling them that they are doing the right thing.
A girl with anxiety will only proceed forward at the word of someone else.
A girl with anxiety contantly tells herself to get over any tug in her gut saying that this is not right if her friend is dragging her forward.
A girl with anxiety will keep quiet as a guy proceeds to treat her less than she deserves.
When I told my friend that I did not want to see this boy anymore she told me she was happy that I was not going to settle.
The problem is that if I listened to her,
I would have.

This poem is about: 
Me

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