seventy six days sober
compare me to roses
please
i am desperate
paint me as an angel
a luminous body from heaven
crawl into my skin
and permanently stick
i beg of you
sing me sweet words
and let me feel the faint thump of your chest
and then forget me
close yourself away
ship a box belongings to my front doorstep
and burn the pictures of us
i was selfish to hold you captive
love me
love me
but don’t let me chain you
leave me
leave me
I dare you
take rusty nails and pin them to my spine
to paralyze me
tie ropes to my hands
to bind me
carve my skin
so every scar prevents me
burn me until my love has extinguished
scorn me
scar me
rip at the tendons in my knees
so i can’t walk back to you
sever the nerves in my brain
so i can’t think of you
blugden my mouth
so i can't smile at the thought of you
take needles to my eyes and sew them shut
so i cant read what you’ve said asking forgiveness
change your name to something vile
so i won’t remember its sweet vowels on my tongue
slam doors in my face
so that the vibrations can be heard in these pale walls
driving reminds me of you
one deep breath before the clink of ignition
it is much like my love for you
a pause before igniting
anchoring my stomach to the ground
grasped my lungs and squeezed so tightly
i haven't taken a breath in years
i exhaled when you left
but i would rather gasp for air
than drown in all this oxygen
white knuckles on the edge of chairs
with the waves of your memory.
crashing onto me as if i ever learned to swim.
But i was a leech on your body
clinging and waiting for sustenance
and yes, when i see pictures of you
my hands shake
and yes, whenever i see strawberries
i sob
and maybe ive started to call you
but hit end before the first ring sounds
i hug my knees when i cry
you know that
but lately i've been folded into myself
scratched thin red lines into my thighs
scraping my fingernails in search of flesh
screaming at the ceiling
and at curtains
and at mirrors.
how dare you mold me?
make me like this?
fine china that is broken by a slight touch
you are a drug
whose highs i long for
whose hits i crave
stop being this addiction i have to keep feeding
i've tried rehabilitation
but every time i pledge to never think of you
i relapse.