The things I see in me aren’t pretty; they’re not things I like to see
I wear hoodies because I’m insecure
And I can’t forget what they said in middle school.
I listen to angry music because it makes the anger around me seems less novel
And like it doesn’t mean the world is ending.
I write on the desks and doodle on my papers because it distracts me
And keeps at bay the urge to claw out my mind.
I do my homework because I’ve been told it’s important
And the busy work needs to be done if I want to “do” anything with my life.
I make sure to make good grades because I hear what they say
And the arguments that happen when my sister fails seem to be motivation enough.
I don’t talk to everybody because the things they say anger me
And I dont need more anger here.
I want to help the world because I know it needs the help
And I’ve been told one person can make all the difference.
But I’m terrified of the future because I feel so helpless
And I see that often 1000 people smarter than me can’t do it, so why should I be any different?
I write these things because they scare me
And putting onto paper the shadows I see in the mirror helps make the reflection less real.
But that’s not all; I will not ignore what makes me happy.
I wear tank tops because I’m proud of my arms
And I know I’ve earned these muscles.
I listen to classical music because I love the sound of the bow across the strings
And when the trumpet calls high and clear, I feel powerful.
I put my art where others can see it because maybe it’ll help them
And if I can help someone else, maybe I’m not so helpless myself.
I still smile when I make good grades because I know I’m smart
And it feels good when a superior acknowledges that.
I talk to some people because I know they love me
And even if they anger me sometimes, the mutual benefit outweighs the occasional hurt.
I still dream about the changing the world because the impossible happens
And just because I’m scared doesn’t mean I should give up.
I write these things because they empower me
And putting onto paper the ghosts I see in the mirror helps make them all the more real.