Sitting In A Room Full Of People
Naomi Bush
Sitting In A Room Full Of People
Sitting in a room full of people
I still feel lonely
Scandalous ideas rushing through my head
Damn! Why am I not dead?
Sometimes I just feel so lost in space
I'm running in a race
But I'm still in last place
I'm searching
But I still haven't found me
So now who can I depend on?
Not Naomi
Because last time I checked
She didn't even have her own identity
Searching for myself in a world so cold
Watching my friend get shot when I was 15 years old
What kind of madness is this?
People living in denial said it was bliss
But I can't believe this shit
On a life journey but I'm living a lie
Smoking weed in the basement so I could get high
It was the only thing keeping me out of reality
And that's exactly where I wanted to be
It's a white man’s world
And I'm just a lost little black girl
Looking for solutions I can't find
Hiding memories I wanna leave behind
Painting my journals with words
There are lessons that I have not yet learned
Praying to God in troubled times
He did not answer
Why do I feel like I called the wrong line?
Hated myself with a passion
I was the outcast of every group
I guess hating Naomi was the new thing to do
I was always the odd one that stuck out
Even in grammar school I was the one to talk about
It was all God in the end
He was my last and only friend
Lost my dad in 6th grade
I keep remembering that sad and tragic day
Words of life sprang forward
I wrote in my journal looking for a better understanding
Yet I still felt like everyone ignored me
No one heard the cry inside
They thought it was okay
They were just blind
Blind because they didn't feel my pain
But it was so present
It was rushing through my veins
My life has been fueled off of anger from being the reject
And now I'm just another white man’s project
Living in the hood all my life
Hoping someday I’ll find a better life
But those battle scars keep popping up
I'm growing
But soon my time will be up
Couldn’t do what most children did
I was stuck in the house raising someone else’s kids
No childhood for me
No morning cartoons on my living room TV
Hateful words fly toward me and I dodge them like the bullets in the hood
Hoping I could run fast enough like the little engine that could
Walking down the streets and the boys hollering damn she look good
My insecurities led me to believe what they said
But the only thing they were doing was geeking up my head
See my grandma worries about me more than ever now
She's scared that I might grab that gun and hurt everyone who did me wrong
See that's the kind of anger that fuels my soul
I’ve been angry all my life; basically since I was 9 years old
My heart turned numb
It was completely cold
Trying to keep myself calm but I see no logic in man's rules about life
See my grandma always told me that two wrongs don't make a right
The feeling of understanding that I just never felt
Learning to play the hand that life has dealt
The streets are tough but I am tougher
The game of life is rough but I am rougher
Wait Wait Wait
Scratch that
Hannah my guiding star was the trigger
It was like an epiphany
I was in the dark but she helped me see clearly
The only reason I'm alive is because of Jesus Christ
Welcoming Him into my heart so there was no strife
Cleaning up my mistakes
Believing in Christ is a risk I'm willing to take
Scriptures from my mouth spewing out like darts
I won't need the Bible because I should know it by heart
“In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths”[1]
Easier said than done
But let's remember that God is the Father and the Son
Sinning over and over again is like slapping Jesus in the face
When Hannah explained this to me I felt like a disgrace
No lukewarm
No middle place
You can only serve one master
So that's the choice I had to make
Acknowledge God in every step I take
I know with all my heart
He’ll help me on my journey
And guide me on my way