every night i go to bed shaking

the tremors rip through my body

shaking hands, shaking hearts

i pull pillows to my chest

and i press down as hard as i can

to try and dull the roaring pain in my chest

i let my shaking hands grip the blankets

and i squeeze down as hard as i can

to try and dull the screaming in my head

 

i sleep and i dream of you

of us

of what we were

of what we are now

 

and i wake up with my heart still in pieces

i wake up and the pain-

the pain is too much

i feel like my head is beneath the water

black and blue and you

i cannot fucking breathe

and i am reaching out

please pull me out

of this fucking water

that looks too much like blood

you push my head down further,

i swallow the salt and the pain

i’ll never be able to breathe again-

 

but you got everything you wanted.