I have been up since three in the morning my clock now reads seven.
I can't seem to figure anything out. Like how do people manage to stay in love for so long with anything?
With a person, with their profession, sometimes even possessions. The only enduring love I have ever known is the one for my family. Every other love has faded with time, even the ones that felt so real at the time.
I remember falling in love with my karaoke machine at twelve years old. It was far more than the simple object I was in love with. It was the music, the singing, it was the feeling of release, it was fun and something that brought me closer to other people. With time I decided I was bored. It no longer made me feel much, it was soon forgotten.
I remember falling in love with a person at seventeen. A person who made everything brighter who loved me regardless of my flaws, regardless of my immaturity, who constantly reminded me of how beautiful I was- not just on a superficial level. He was my first love, my first time learning about commitment. Everything seemed so much lovelier when he was present; that novelty wore off in time too. In the end I found any excuse to break it off, and although attachment remained I had to differentiate between attachment and genuine happiness. He was not my happiness anymore, and with time attachment faded quickly. Falling in love, and staying in love, how does that ever happen?
They say in order to love someone else- truly love them, you must love yourself first. Accepting your flaws but seeing your strengths, knowing yourself, what you enjoy, what you like, dislike, the sort of person you are, and person you want to be… your goals, your aspirations, your wishes and desires. If I am still in that process, if I am still learning how to love myself, can I still love someone else? If we are continually growing as people, how do we overcome this? How do we continue loving that person in every shift, every form, every change?
One love I have not encountered is a love for a profession or a passion. I really hope I find it, find something I am absolutely consumed by. In the mean time I will just dabble in the things that feel right, that feel fun, and enjoy the uncertainty of life, and most importantly the uncertainty of love, because what is life without love? And yet love is so abstract, I just cannot seem to get a hold of it.