I used to never be able to fathom
The confidence it took to stand
Bare and open
to prove to myself that I could walk alone in the dark,
still, I clasped my keys
between my fingers
like a pair of brass knuckles
hoped they’d give me the momentum
to beat down shivers,
little mountain climbers
that made their way up my icicle spine
upon the rattle of leaves under my own feet.
I wish I could change the day
I lost credence in myself.
The first time I was called annoying
Air stopped in my chest and it was caught
My throat tightened up
Anything I was going to say tangled with my breath
My eyes were glued to the floor
And I was 11,
When this insurmountable heartache
Weighed me down
Sank me to the very depths of Mariana’s Trench
Enshrouded in pitch black darkness
Where I drowned.
I began to wonder,
If everything I said was just “too much”
Whether if what I said or did
Would bother people.
It seemed right
Living with this hellish fear.
I would change this day
because I started to attach importance to something
Unworthy of my time.
There is still a part in me that’s scared
And not sure
Of what to say.
I’ve grown this part in me
Blossomed into this truth
My only grounding being that
“I am annoying”
Except, I am many things
Like that I am beautiful
Even though my laugh sounds like seagulls.
I am trying my best
Not to slip
Back into old habits
But it’s hard
This time of year
When the roads get icy
And I am constantly