A Slow Collapse.

I was standing there with the sun shining on my skin. People jumping in the pool, splashing my face. And then, it came. I was stabbed. Stabbed in the heart. The kind of stab that you don't really feel the effect immediately after. You know it's inside of you and that it will soon hurt but you can't feel the pain yet. As I got off the phone, the phone call that would completely destroy my heart and leave a scar for who knows how long, I started to think about what just happened. I slowly stepped in to the water as I felt my eyes starting to fill up with tears. But others were around and I knew I couldn't show my sadness now. I had to hide my wound. And as I dove under the water in the pool, I felt as though I was swimming in my tears. It kept me still. It was almost comforting. Like my emotions were holding me and wouldn't let me hurt. Although I was surrounded by sadness, this pool full of tears actually brought me peace. But as I walked out of the pool, I left my tears sitting in the summer sun. They had been removed from my heart and I was frozen. Still. No feeling. No thinking. Nothing. Until I remembered the dagger in my heart. It still didn't consume my body though. But I could feel a few drops fall from the open wound. Hitting the ground, turning into nothing. Going nowhere and taking me nowhere. I lay there staring at the stars. Trying to escape to my other world, but the stab weighed me down. I couldn't leave. It held me to the ground, not letting me move or talk or smile. But I tried to fight it. I dragged my feet across the ground and into the car and then to my front door. As I climbed up the never ending staircase I could feel the pain overtaking me. I knew there was no stopping it and I had to face it. And I had to fight it, yet accept it. And just as I grabbed my mother's hand and rested it upon my chest, it all consumed me. The blood from this stab in my heart that would destroy me and leave a scar for who knows how long began to outpour. Uncontrollably. I couldn't hold it in. I couldn't put it back in my heart. There was no way to bring it back to new. No way of healing without leaving evidence that I had lost a battle. So I sat there. Looking down at my delicate heart unable to sustain itself any longer. And I couldn't do a thing. 

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741