So You Say That You’ve Seen Me?- Letter to God-

Can You see me?

Hidden behind the coarse, oak door…

The bedroom door is slightly cracked…

And I see that You’ve packed.

You’ve gone, left me on my own,

Completely abandoned and disowned.

 

Can you see me locked behind the closet door?

Buried in the pile of shame…

That comes with this endless life game.

 

How about under the dark car door?

That dark, scary place,

A small, tiny space,

Meant for a pale, scrawny face.

 

Don’t forget the heavy, leadened front door!

It opens up into a bright, sunshiny world.

But the moment the door slams shut,

I’m left in a pitch-black, soundproof rut.

 

Can you see me?

Sitting in the corner, hiding under a bed, or maybe I’m playing behind the soft, heavy couch.

Can you hear me?

My silent cry hidden inside this bright, happy smile…

Can You find me?

Or am I so buried in the quicksand of life?

Half of me stuck in the past with half grasping for a fresh future breath.

 

Can you see me?

I’m three and have failed my family.

I’m staring at the wall…

One hour, two, or maybe even three…

Studying that face of sorrow,

Revealing the disappointment I am to you.

Can you hear me? 

Crying, screaming, begging You to come close to me.

You’ve shut me out and locked the door

Leaving me to protect the one’s I love at four.

Can you find me?

One, Two, Three…

As I play hide and seek

Hiding with my brother..

From a world that doesn’t see.

 

 

Can you see me?

At four and five, here I am, I’m still alive.

Can you hear me?

Singing with my family?

Screaming for my sanity?

Silently crying in the dark, lonely night…

Beaten, screachin, scrutinized

Just be brave, have faith my child.

Can you find me?

Mom’s here, I have no fear.

Dad’s home and again, I am alone.

Under the bed, inside my head

Trying to escape this crazy life dread.

 

Can you see me?

Pathetic and Dramatic

A snap of coarse leather

Stars and scars, they seem to be both one and the same..

Or could I perhaps just be insane?

Can you hear me?

Or am I such a mistake?

Garbage to the world…

Dirty, smelly, thrown to the floor.

Can you find me?

Hidden inside this happy family?

Only for the world to see.

Until this door slams shut on top of me.

 

I can see him..

And his deep, scary eyes.

Yes, I can see him

With his sharp, threatening knife

And so I’m running, grasping for my life.

Oh, I still see him and hear him and fear him in the dark, scary night.

I hear him.

Screamin, shoutin, revealin his disdain

For both his children and his wife.

I can hear him as I cry

Because he says he hates my life.

I found him.

He tried thrice to take his own life.

I was seven the first time I saw him try to go to heaven.

Next was nine, followed by eleven.

I have found him…

He’s here…

I live in fear…

And you still won’t come near.

 

I see her.

Strong but she’s slowly breaking…

She laughs and she smiles, but I know she’s only faking…

She’s lovely and I know that she loves me.

Stillness and Illness soon will come…

I’m sorry, God, that I can’t protect my Mom.

I hear her.

Singing, Coughing, forgotten by the world.

She’s softly singing silent night

To teach me not to hide from Your light.

She’s so brave..

But she’s still a slave..

To her own past…

No wonder that she wears a mask…

Until her children come to pass.

I found her…

She locked herself behind the bathroom door…

She’s scared but I’m unprepared

To face my father alone

But you’ve still left me on my own.

 

I see him.

This quaint little boy

Who brings me, his sister, so much joy.

I hear him..

His rapid, steady, warm breath

I see him with deep black scars…

He’s cryin, I’m lyin

Soon he shall go away

And it’ll all be okay…

But I know that I’m very wrong

I can’t protect him, failed him, too

same as my mom…

 

I see her.

A beautiful ole grandmother

Who sings and breathes like no other.

I call her in the dark night,

And unlike you, she answers me alright.

I hear her.

She hurts and grasps for her health

To love me and to help.

She calls me grand daughter

And I’m so far, so undeserving.

I found her.

As I stumbled into her grave.

Why am I not a slave?

I gave her my unwavering word

To give her something

To pay back her everything.

I broke my word.

I shattered my world.

I could not protect her.

 

Why wouldn’t you see me?

Why did you turn your face from me?

11, 12, and 13

You lied, told me we were a team…

Why couldn’t you hear me?

Shivering in the cold, winter night

Hidden in the midst of my fright…

Oh how I did sin..

And so deserve my place in the trash bin..

The cold, dark place,

Meant for this pale, scrawny face.

Oh, such a disgrace.

Why couldn’t you find me?

Hidden in the dark and burned by the spark?

 

Why can’t you see me?

Scorched by the fire…

Literally, figuratively, wearily…

He laughs as I burn…

What have I done inturn?

I’m so sorry my Daddy…

For my life and my insanity.

Why don’t you hear me?

Screaming and crying

As I obey my father and pour gas into the raging fire.

Oh how I cried and so I hide

From the fist that teaches me what strength is…

Why didn’t you find me?

In the trunk, underneath the bunk, broken when he was drunk.

 

Did you see me Lord?

Oh how I did mourn

For that shattered, unbreakable bond.

Between my brother and his sis

But Dad’s gone,

so why is there still a fist raised

Why am I still enslaved, Why can’t I ever be brave?

I have cried, tried to hide, from my brother’s watchful eye.

 

Could you find me?

As I jumped into the lake…

Jumped in

Unable to swim

Drowned inside my sin…

I’m dirty, unworthy…

Do I still belong, lost inside that trash bin?

Everything is what You have taken…

Father, brother, and now grandmother…

Can you not see that I’m shakin

Beautiful, Heavenly Father…

Are You real?

Now will You come near?

I beg you, please take away this hindering, dark fear.

Or am I so far gone from your unending song?

Drowned, strangled, cut so deep.

Oh how I have desired the promised, peaceful sleep.

 

So you say that you’ve seen me…

Then please, rescue me from this unforgiving, heavy burden, this crazy endless insanity…

The Beautiful Sonrise

I suddenly wake with a fright                                                   

As is common during dark, scary nights.

I’m tired of this burden

These nightmares, moments filled with paralyzing terror

At just a glimpse of a man,

Or the glaze of a fire, heating the land.

 

Deciding to face my fears,

I slowly walk away from the warm blankets

That have held me, hid me, cradled me

So that it is not You that I need.

 

I stop at the threshold

Afraid of what I’ll see.

Will it be his face that I meet?

His red, threatening eyes?

Will I run from a knife that longs to kill me?

 

I never know

When something will bring back my everything.

It’s as if I travel through time

In a second, I’m here and in the blink of an eye

I’m behind, trapped in the recesses of my mind.

 

So here I stand,

Will You take my hand?

Or will I have to face this on my own?

 

Leaving all my fears behind,

I take one step into the darkness.

Something urges me

To not look around but look to the sky.

And You know what I see?

 

It’s such a beautiful galaxy.

Thousands upon thousands of sparkling lights.

Father, somehow You were right

Though I stand here in the dark night,

I see You, Lord.

 

For the moment, I find peace.

Understanding that the light of Your beautiful, twinkling star

Is all I need to know who You are.

 

I still don’t know why

 I’m precious in your eyes.

Or why You smile,

When You say that I’m good and worthwhile.

 So here I stand,

The wind whispering softly in my ear

That You have always been near.

 

And I feel the warmth of the sand beneath my feet

I feel the strength of Your hand gently guiding me

As I look beyond the dead, bare trees of my past,

Standing in the frigid, December air,

Is the peak of the sun

As it rises over the horizon and across the beautiful, shimmering, threatening lake.

 

I’m afraid of what You’ll find

As You dig deep into the recesses of my mind.

When I give You all of me,

Will you truly set me free?

 

Yesterday, all I could see was the darkness of the night,

I refused to seek Your precious light.

For years, I have lived in this way

Accepting defeat, owning my identity as a slave.

 

So today, here I’ll stay,

As the light comes my way.

Pinks begin their work,

And as they paint the sky,

I realize the question is not why,

But Who?

 

As I stand here,

The Son draws near

And with His bright sword,

He pierces the night

With only a sliver of light

 

I’m frightened to look in that direction,

Afraid of what I may see

When your face is before me.

As You dig deep into the recesses of my mind.

When You see me,

As the trees, bare and clear

With no reason to continue living,

Will You chase me back into the night?

Because it is not beauty and purity that You’ll find

 

As I look up,

I see just a glimpse of the Son

But better than none.

I see deep oranges and soft reds painting the sky.

It’s only a sliver of the bright light that I see

But I see Your face before me.

I don’t know why…

Lord, You’ve looked into my eye.

 

I stand here

Lord, as the darkness is turned light.

But there is still the hint of the night.

 

Now, there is blue to the right.

Removing the veil of clouds that have covered the light.

Though they still cover most of the sky,

I see what is necessary for now.

 

The once terrifying, threatening lake

Becomes breath-taking at the Son’s wake.

It’s still cold, and mostly dark,

But because of this beautiful, bright spark

It’s all I need to know who You are.

 

The fog of each breath that I see

In this cold, winter air

Reveals the truth

That I’m alive, I’ve been set free.

 

To be honest,

One foot is still stuck

In the filthy mud of my past.

The few years ago

When the darkness took me farther

Away from You, my dear Father.

 

I’ve refused to look Your way,

Afraid of what You’d say.

Will You be angry?

Lord, will I disgust You?

Will You chase me out of Your presence with that threatening knife?

Saying that Your blood will be on my hands

Instead of Your cleansingness?

 

Some of these things

Are still, for me, frightening mysteries.

All I can do

Daddy, is look at You.

 

Soon, the night will come again.

When it does, I’ll hold Your hand.

I’ll look up and see

The beautiful stars shining.

No longer will I listen to the lies.

 

Lord,

Someday, I’ll be like those planets,

Revolving around the Son.

With my face always on the light.

But for now, I see the beauty of yesterday’s night.

I’ll look forward to that day

When I can say that I no longer am afraid

Of that night

Or the lie that says I’ll always be a slave.

 

But for now,

Lord, I will look to You.

Your beautiful.

Daddy, Your baby girl loves You.