I was that girl, the stereotypical female who spent her entire adolescence trying to be better than what she was. The girl who had somehow swallowed the notion that life would be easier if she was popular and in doing so began to crave that life. I was the girl who hadn't realized she had been starving herself for years and instead of loving who she was only loved what she would be. I was the girl who had become so engulfed in what society said was pretty that I completely ignored the beauty that I was born with. I constantly found myself refilling a prescription that would never make me perfect. I spent millions in my pride and self worth and instead of dripping gold or diamonds, I dripped tears. My life was dictated by what others would think of me. I was so numb to anything other than my self image that when I finally got the courage to look in the mirror again, the distorted figure in front of me made me wallow in shame. I was fake, a pretend facade that had been my image for so long I refused to hang a self portrait in my home. I wasn't plastic but I sure as hell wasn't me, wasn't who I was supposed to be. I stripped away my own childhood and self worth because of a prescription. A script that told me beauty was not only in the eye of the beholder but in the hearts of those much prettier than I was. I swallowed these pills like candy in hopes of someone coming along, picking me out the bunch and saying "She's pretty or she could be one of us."
I bet the person who said be careful what you wish for lived a long time, because by the time I made it to high school I had my wish. I was pretty and popular but underneath I was still fake. I was still pretending to be someone who society explained as perfect. I was still stuck on the idea that by being despised and envied meant I was doing something right. My justification for the choices I made in my life were so warped and disillusioned that thinking on them now is saddening. I changed friends as often as changing clothes and I never bonded with anyone. I was just a pawn in a game of chess, easily disposable. I told myself that 'pawns' were important. The only way to get to the queen was to get through me, but after living through an epiphany I understood that it was not okay to be used for someone else's gain. I wouldn't allow someone else to tell me my self worth or make me feel inadequate.
I woke up from a nightmare and realized that reality was more like a dream than I had thought. I found a sort of radiance in the people who were always around me. My family never expected me to be anything other than myself, but I was so lost in a daze that I didn't even notice them. I kept hoping for someone to come along and love me for me. I kept waiting around for someone to think I was worth the fight, but my family did all this anyway. Their terms for loving me had no conditions, it was instinctual. They loved me even when I had no idea who I was, they fought for me when I could no longer keep the gloves in front of my face. What I learned from society's prescription was that I'm still a girl who is stuck between who she is and who she wants to be, but that it's okay because my roots are strong and my family will be there to support me. I learned that life will knock me down and knock me out but my family will be there with me if I let them. I don't need to be a certain way around people to make them like me. My real friends would fall in love with me regardless. Society taught me that a mirror will add five pounds but I'll still have dessert tonight. I'm only what I allow myself to be and right now those things are not insecure or worthless, they are successful, wise and in control.