The South Scenic Call
To give it a name;
Such a pretty name.
A name that rolls easily
Off the tongue, into the air.
Effortless, just like they said,
You “passed away”
But dying isn’t easy, not the way you went.
Dying is hard.
Dying takes work.
You did the work, put in the time.
You fooled us, of course you did.
We didn’t know you could lie so well.
How could you lie so well…
We ate our last meal together, and you knew the whole time
That when you went upstairs to get your picture you’d also take the gun.
You might just win the Oscar, because none of us could tell
That you’d been working on this a while and now was just the countdown.
You stopped to say goodbye that day, although I didn’t know it then.
You hugged me tighter and longer than before, I didn’t take the hint.
I noticed you got your haircut, funny thing to do I think.
That’s just another question I have to ask of you.
But the biggest question is:
Do you know what you did to us?
The knock came at 11:30pm
Question after question
“Do you own a gun? Can I see it?”
The gun was gone, the questions there
We were told you were still fine, but I think now that was a lie.
Because we drove over to you
Wanted you to hear our voices
The voices of people who loved you
We wanted to save you, save you from this final decision
You can’t take this back, I know you knew that.
We waited on you
Watched the ambulance leave, the swat car too
Thinking these were good signs waiting for information
I watched as officers stepped in and out of your apartment
Thinking why did they keep having to leave the room if they were talking you down?
It’s because they weren’t
You were already gone
They told us that eventually and then everything made sense
They were stepping in and out because you did something awful
Something they didn’t even want to keep looking at
What exactly did you do?
We saw the camera’s flash even through the curtains
Our stomachs dropped, every flash hurt more than the one before
You left us there with questions, left us to spread the news
How do you tell someone your friend is dead
How do you tell them she chose it
We sat there in the cold waiting for the sake of waiting
The tears came, strangers came
Wrapped blankets around us, prayed
Prayer is a funny thing
They don’t all get answered
Our prayers didn’t help you save yourself and yet
These other prayers were supposed to make us feel okay
They were supposed to give us strength and help us through
What do you do when your friend dies, people pray and it's cold outside?
You leave and find some swings
So we swung at the park and cried more tears
And when the park was too cold, too dark, too alone we went home:
Home, to the place where you lived with us until just last month
Where your bed lie empty, and the walls feel heavy
Home, to the place where we left you alone for five minutes
Home, to the place where you took the gun that took your life
We know the battles you struggled
We still do
But you left to leave the pain behind, and that’s just what you did
You left it here
You left it right here in this world
And now the pain is bigger
We’ve picked it all up and it sits on our shoulders,
In our thoughts, in our hearts.
You left us with this thing we have to deal with.
Arrangements we have to help with, people we have to tell.
You left us with all of your secrets
And it’s hard