The Spectacular Now

"I love you, sweet heart"

No, you wanted me.

"You're my little girl"

No, I was your toy.

"I didn't hurt you"

Yes, you did. 

 

"You're such a spaz"

I'm sorry, I just get excited.

"F*** off, just f*** off"

All I wanted to do was help.

"I don't like you anymore"

What did I do wrong?

 

You are not loved

You are not wanted

You are not beautiful

You are nothing

 

I am nothing...

It ricochets in my mind 

The pain of it strangles my soul

Until I can no longer breathe--

Hope is lost in my smothered breath.

 

I put up my front

I say that I am happy

I say that nothing is wrong

But all I am doing

Is darkening their eyes 

To the truth

 

I do cry

I do feel pain

I struggle every day

To get up in the morning

And say "I can do this"

 

I want them to see 

That I can love 

Because I have been hurt

That I can laugh

Because I have known great sadness

That I can live 

Because I know what it is like

To feel

dead

 

I want to shout from the rooftops

"My past does not define

who I am right now" 

I am no longer bound to the chains

Of my misfortunes and lables

 

In this now,

This spectacular now,

I am a girl 

Who rejoices willingly, freely, openly

Who delights in guiding the colors

On a canvas

Who loves being captured 

By every story read

That is me

 

Here I am 

Standing before the window of 

My soul

I can almost feel

The thick curtain veiling 

Who I am

 

I grasp it 

I tear it down--

Hiding is no longer an option

It is time to be me 

The real me

 

And live in 

The spectacular now.

 

 

 

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