spinning

I have attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder - inattentive subtype

a.k.a. ADD

which means

my mind works differently from most



while normal brains have a mechanism (believed to be located primarily in 
the frontal lobe) 

to direct their focus and select a task

mine decides "Hey, what the hell, let's try to do everything at once! 
What could go wrong?"

quite a bit, actually.



normal thoughts travel on distinct tracks - a path to follow for that moment, setting
other paths aside to traverse later

ADD thoughts work more like a spiderweb - every path is connected at confusing, 
uneven intervals, and thoughts try to follow all of them at once,
and end up jumping haphazardly to whichever path looks like the most exciting one
at the time.

another model I've seen - the ADD brain is like an orchestra with no conductor. 
regardless of how skilled the individual musicians may be, 
they can only do so much without someone 
directing tempo and beat and crescendos and the like
- it can end up just sounding muddled.

this is very frustrating.

at times, when I am also very anxious and jumpy, this can lead to what I have termed "spinning:"

basically, when speaking to people, I will feel that certain things are extremely important and need to be expressed.
these things will often be linked with other strands of thought in my head.

if I become sufficiently distressed, I will essentially begin to repeat bits of connectedinformation rapid-fire,
becoming more and more distressed as I speak faster and faster,
repeating things and repeating and falling into this terrifying spiral and repeating and screaming

I spin wildly out of control

that fear takes hold

and I end up shouting and crying and melting down



this doesn't happen often, thankfully

mostly I just zone out

stare into space

and follow my thought webs at a leisurely pace

taking my own sweet time, goddammit



meanwhile, homework and obligations and texts from my friends (who have the patience of saints, I swear) all pile up

and intimidate me with their sheer volume

so I hide from them some more

and I despair

despair at all this hell I have wrought upon myself

hate myself for doing this

to myself

to my loved ones (oh god the hell I put them all through, it is so damn heavy)

and hide some more while I focus on not turning into a sobbing mess


and I spin
This poem is about: 
Me

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