Strong is the New Beautiful

Sun, 07/01/2018 - 21:57 -- S.D.18

Dear Mr. Not-So-Good-For-Me,In a series of words strung together in a less elegant manner, I must say one thing: You were wrong.Despite your heavy persuasion, by indulging in your desires, I am now aware that it was one of the most idiotic of actions I have ever committed in all of my 16 years of living. The first time the words came out of your mouth, seemed like a comical breeze, something I paid no attention to. The numerous occasions following, where you stated the same proposition, I endeavored to commit, leading to my ultimate deterioration of who I was, someone I'll never be again.Fat.Immediately I see negative connotation in that term. Silly, to call someone, but hurtful. Although I played it off as if it didn't hurt, inside I was already plotting how to meet your needs of losing this "Fat".I had succumbed to your hatred, letting it eat away at me, ironically, as I wasn't eating at all.The series of climactic events only briefly began when I stopped eating. I'd tell them I'm full, or was allergic, or that I was vegan, just so they would stop offering me food, asking me "Are you hungry??". It hurt, yes, but not as much as hearing your words call me "Fat".It took a while for me to lose the weight, or so at least it felt like it, despite the fact that every day when I looked in the mirror I would check for shrinkage. I would stand, bare and all, moving around in a series of motions, to see where my "Fat" touched. I would think to myself "Pretty soon my tummy won't be touching like this! And my thighs won't touch either!!" I was full of glee with the thought that I could transform into a skinny gal- Something I thought I never was.I lost 20 pounds that summer. Not just from starving, because I noticed that didn't give me the results I had anticipated. I exercised, constantly. I spent the whole day in my room watching workout videos, completing workout logs, from Blogilates', Diary Of A Fit Momma', and FitnessBlender'. I was so tired, all the time. Working out felt good, it brought me motivation, endurance.Despite my withdraws, my headaches, my blurry vision, my eye pain, my hair loss, EXTRAVAGANT hair loss, my skin change, and my weak, faint, frail strength. I was skinny. Finally.I had told you how much I had lost, and you didn't seem to care. That moment did I not only realize how much of an arrogant meanie you were but how ignorant I had been this whole time. I dilapidated, deteriorated, broke down myself, my body, all I ever was- for you. You broke down my spirit, and I was done. My habits of having to stand near the oven to feel any kind f heat, or wear a sweater in the house, or always for that matter, or feel chilly when it's 80 degrees outside- I will no more feel.It's been 3 years since I suffered my eating disorder, and I have to say, I can't tell which was worse- You or it. From both have I attained a new perception of myself, not as "Fat", not as skinny, but as beautiful. I am who I am for a reason. If I could go back and tell myself it all wasn't worth it, I would. Living in a society that demands perfection is hard, but being someone I'm not is even harder. Genuinity is key to serenity. I have found serendipity, and will never entice such a heinous perspective on myself, ever, again.Recovery was the best I had ever undergone. Yes, somedays your words still haunted me, like when I decide to eat two pieces of pizza instead of one. But I'm me, and I make the decisions of what I want to do with my body.No woman, man, or person, for this matter, should ever feel subjected to change their body by anyone's preference but there own. And so I gallantly write this to you, to inform you that your deceiving, ludicrous words have turned me into the best form of myself I will ever be- Not skinny, not model perfect, not a size zero; but a girl with broad shoulders, long, thick legs, a waist and hips, and a small chest- Something I will ALWAYS be proud of. I have changed the error of my ways, I've grown. I am not independent, confident, and humble. No way will I ever put my mental and physical health through that, ever, again. I enjoy feeling the warmth on my body, having luscious, thick hair, tan skin, and good eyesight. My quality of life was horrible under your desires, which triggered my actions, my idiotic actions. Now I will leave it on this note: I may have been "Fat", but not as much as your ego.-Sam

This poem is about: 
Me
Our world

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