The Suicidal Lover

 

I am the perfect boyfriend

The solution

To all of life’s problems

Her soulmate

The reason to live

Or so she thought

 

She had depression

Because of that

I was her obsession

Practically her possession

The voices in her head

Made her scream and cry

The voices haunted her so much

She wanted to die

 

After several months of dating

I was unhappy

No longer in love

Wanted to be set free

Like a dove

As I told her the news she cried

Got down on her hands and knees

Begged me to stay

Started taking off her clothes

Persuading me to lay

I told her no; get dressed

Hours passed by; she’s still depressed

She purchased the butcher knife tightly

Pointed the blade over her heart

She screamed, “I’m killing myself!”

I called her father to alert the man

She took my phone before he answered

She told me telling her dad was banned

The crying and arguing continued

For so long I finally discontinued

I agreed to stay

But I was in no mood to lay

 

During the summer I tried once more

To end the relationship

Thinking this will be nevermore

But she wanted to end her suffering

Love or death was all she desired

The voices made her wired

Her mind and heart thought

Those were the only options

She chose death when I told her again

She saw a hook on the ceiling

Along with rope on the ground

She turned the rope into a noose

Wrapped it tightly around her neck

She climbed on the couch to end it

I frantically grabbed her to prevent it

I thought it was over

However, it was far from it

She brutally hit herself

With her hands

And pans

She argued with me

Telling me she was valueless

Stupid

Ugly

Fat

Not good enough

Not worthy to live

She told me no one wants to date

A girl with depression

I gave her regression

I apologized for my wish

I held her hand and sat her down

I lied and told her

How I thought this might work out

Even though

I had major doubts

 

Winter was coming

But my sanity wasn’t

In the eyes of Immanuel Kant

I was autonomous

But not rational

I felt internally and externally trapped

I had vast amounts of joy and despair

In succeeding intervals

I was so busy

Trying to excel academically

Make money

Fulfill my obligations

And keep her alive

So she may continue

To roam the Earth

My isolation made her

My only support

By that time I made

Numerous false promises

Loyalty

Support

Unconditional love

Marriage

And children

 

Constant discussions of marriage and family horrified me

But they also excited me

I did not want those abstractions immediately

However, she did

Nonetheless, I wanted them with her

Not because I was completely in love with her

Not because I saw the marriage lasting forever

Not because I believed she was my soulmate

I wanted those abstractions with her

Because I was alone and lustful

I came to her

In my most vulnerable state

We exchanged words; talked until eight

To our dismay

We contemplated suicide everyday

She understood me

And I understood her

I thought she would be

An amazing first lover

One like no other

We were each other’s reassurance

We made one another love life

Instead of hating it

We knew what made each other

Feel better

It used to be The World vs. I

With her, it was The World vs. Us

I sought the will the live

Now, I was trying to find it for someone

That made me feel repugned

 

I still wanted to end the relationship

I still knew she was not

The one for me

I wanted her to hate me so much

That she would break-up with me

I became insane

Mentally drained

I treated her horribly

I transformed into the man

I never thought I’d become

I felt so numb

I cannot identify myself

As a good person anymore

All because of what I did

And once swore

 

When the relationship finally did end

I was distraught

I became crazy, too

The same type of crazy

She used to be

My vision was hazy

The insanity transferred over to me

I could no longer distinguish

Normal from abnormal

I was struck by the thought

Of losing my only supporter

We may have fought

But she stood by me

Even when my own family did not

But she didn’t want me anymore

She moved on

But so did I

 

I was used

As well as abused

I kept her alive

Long enough for her

To graduate

With her degree

In Psychology

What a decree

Three months after the split

She was ready to recommit

On Christmas Eve

She got the wish

She always perceived

A ring

From her soon-to-be king

However

I can’t be too mad

We both stared at

The Grim Reaper

In the face

Almost every day

We were finally happy

Without each other

And that is all

I wanted

That we could live

Each day in peace

Not deceased

 

The emotional rollercoaster of a year

Called 2016

Taught me three lessons

 

One

Possessing a mental illness

Is nothing to be ashamed of

Nobody yearns to have PTSD, anxiety, or depression

These illnesses are innate or diagnosed

They are medical conditions

Not dispositions

If individuals could remove them

From their lives

They would

It’s their strives

 

Two

Human beings cannot force love

It is a two-way street

Love is incomplete

Without the other lover

No need to compete

The consent

Must be present

In every hug

Kiss

Touch

And proposal

 

Three

The will to live is different

For everyone

It can come in many forms

As abstractions

Passion

Hope

Love

Or as physical forms

A friend

A family member

A girlfriend

A boyfriend

No matter what it is

Understand

That the reason to live

May disappoint you

Passion may internally kill you

Hope may mislead you

Love may destroy you

The person you live for

May break-up with you

May hurt you

May perish

But the will to live

Will give you enough time

To see yourself

Gloom

Improve

And bloom

It will allow you

To see how

Beautiful and rewarding

Life can be

Because every hardship

Makes you stronger

Wiser

And ready for more

Suicide isn’t the solution

Suicide is the gloom

Don’t prevent it

From letting you improve

Now, bloom

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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