Temporary Aphasia

Adrenaline courses coldly through my veins. My body responds, my voice fails

I said the wrong thing. Now he's mad, no, furious

i quickly disengage my vocal cords, refusing any other words to flow out of my mouth

My voice only causes trouble. I've learned this

His voice is violence. Yelling, cursing, belittling. I have no voice

I take each blow with stoicism, hoping for a quick ending

Selective mutism.

He reiterates through my barricade 

I'm 'worthless', 'a whore', 'dumb', and 'Why aren't you speaking'?

'That hurts' the voice in my head responds. The words don't come. They stay lodged where they're safe

This isn't the way to get through. Communication is an ocean divided

I plead with my eyes, I touch gently, feign submission for a quicker escape

I can't articulate what I NEED him to know. To stop. To be gentle. The syllables get stuck in the crevices of my brain

The inner dialogue continues and I store it away for later use. When I'm alone. Safe

I want to be heard . But he stole my voice, I keep it subdued for fear of the turmoil it will cause 

So I write, I write for me. For him. For release. For sanity. For answers

My  words flow here. Sometimes acrid, other times hopeless 

I write so I know that some semblance of human being still exists within me. She has thoughts, opinions and dreams

Paper and pen know all my secrets. He does not

When your vocal cords are paralyzed, it's easy to write

The melody of my voice replaced by the scratches of charcoal on paper

I'm safe here

Thoughts of the future play behind my eyes. The sun is only behind the clouds

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