Thanks For All the Self Esteem You Didn't Give Me

When I was six my grandma said “a second slice of cake? You’re getting so big”

Because a six year old wanting more cake is apparently unheard of

When I was 13 my brother greeted me with “hey ugly” every time I came home

Hey ugly. Hey ugly. Hey ugly.

I watched a lot of tv shows growing up

All of them showing perfect women with perfect bodies

Smart, independent, sexy

When I was in 8th grade, I ran around a field pretending to be an airplane

“An airplane wouldn’t even be able to lift you off the ground”

Truth be told I had flown many times before so I don’t know why that comment hurt so much

it’s no wonder I developed an eating disorder long before I even knew what dieting was

Fat. Ugly. Pig.

How do you tell your recently divorced mother you hate yourself?

How do you tell your over protective brothers that you’re starving yourself

Here’s the answer:

You don’t.

By the time I was 17 I had lost a ton of weight.

“oh my gosh you look soooo good”

“wow im so proud of you for getting that extra weight off”

“I wish I could be like you! I just love cake”

(I love cake too, I just hate myself to much to eat it)

(it wasn’t extra weight,  it was just how much I weighed)

(I look so good but I feel dead inside)

Wow, thanks so much

yeah it was super difficult

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!

(screw that, ever microwaved a donut?)

It took me almost 20 years to learn to love myself

And you know what?

I did it all by my damn self

 

 

 

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