The Thespian

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I am the funny one

Tell the jokes that make everyone laugh so hard the tears run 
Down their cheeks
They double over, red faced, holding their stomachs, some even shriek
I am the clown
No one will see the tears, the frown
I fear vulnerability, weakness
To let someone pass my defenses is ludicrous
However I wasn't always like this
I let people in and they broke this organ called a heart
They shattered the soul, ripped it apart
Nearly took my life, a near miss
So to protect myself from an onslaught again 
I will pretend 
Thus I wear a smile
keep being the comedian but all the while
I wonder when will I stop being so strong
When will someone offer me the shoulder to cry on
And yet I know people will believe my false sense of happiness
I put on the best show, no one the wiser, to breach my fortress
So if by chance my mask slips
And you see the pain in my eyes , the smile flips
You ask if I'm Okay?
And what do I say?
This is my chance, my moment to fully drop the charade
Give them my lemons to make lemonade
But I remember the pain of baring my soul, the exposure 
Of my emotions, to wolves in sheep's clothing, offering no closure
So I will tell them.... I'm fine
Put back on the mask, I refuse to be swine
For the slaughter
Offered up on the alter
To be crucified for my fragile feeling
Thrown in my face, used against me, spite me, have me reeling
I'm pissed, I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm disappointed. I'm sensitive, dejected,
Rejected
Full of regret, wanting it to end, screaming inside
Breaking plates, smashing mirrors, throwing things, wanting to rewind
Having a tantrum, I'm tired of this inner turmoil, this chaos inside my mind...
Sorry.... my mask slipped again...I broke character
I need a brief intermission.........................lets get back to the laughter
So like any great performer the show must go on, audience are you stupefied?
Emotions suppressed 
Audience aren't you impressed?
My wall fortified
Audience are you ready to be mystified?
I am a true entertainer
You dare to be my disclaimer?
 
 

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