They say it is all in my head

In my head the way pulmonary edema is 

in your lungs

They say they don’t understand why someone would want to 

starve or

gorge or

burn or

hurt or

cut or

die

It is not for them to understand and

I hope they never do

Pills skip meals tissue paper spots on the floor steady dripping beating broken mirror

Mirrors don’t lie 

They’re hard on the eyes

It is not for them to understand and

I hope they never do

I hope they never feel the fluid that fills lungs

I hope they never feel the fluidness of existence

Tears blood razor sharp long showers pinpricks of cold 

if only because hot water cannot last forever

and they say to stand in the rain to see the sun

How do I say I do see the sun?  I see it and I can’t

feel it and I watch them stand in it and throw these words at me

but not a rope to grab onto

Ropes hangman knot blisters holding on too tight burning fire water fluid surrounded drowning

Why am I drowning while they are breathing around me?

What they say?  Sound won’t travel through this water very well

and I am losing my consciousness.

They say they still don’t understand

as I am gasping for air.

I hope they never do

I know they can breathe in water misty air rain wintery sadness

They don’t understand 

They know they don’t 

But only I know they never will