i have never fit in anywhere. There is always a sense of outgrowing,even when i’m sure i have kept the growing in
i have ticked off 461 days since i last felt present in my life
in occasional glances towards the clock, the calendar
i notice this, in a half awake way
january is 3 times 12 and if it’s the second monday
it means that the pressed flower in my jewelry case has lost its scent
and i can no longer remember what kind of tree i sat under...
It was raining, i remember that- or had it just
i am probably gay
i do not know if i’m gay
i wish i was close enough to another person to tell, to say
I have spent roughly 75 percent of my life in a single room
It is decorated with every layer of my life
poster and photos still clinging like dust to every corner
and often i sneeze
until i get the nerve to clean
i often feel like a spectator to my own life
The way your legs goes numb on grandstand seats
sometimes i feel my back aching from leaning
and i can smell the smell of hot track rubber in the afternoon sun
but I’m just in trig class.
and our teacher is telling us that
Most Of You Will Never Understand This.
i like glam rock bands from the 1980s
y’know, where everything is bright and loud
and the guys wore eyeliner and there was suzi quatro on base
freddie mercury jumping around the stage, a god damned firecracker
and there are nights when i would sell my firstborn child
to be at the 1978 halloween party in new orleans
There is nothing i hate more than passive people
i know more passive people than i’d like to.
i will not tell you who they are.
i’m not ready to burn those noncommittal bridges yet.
i hate being asked for advice- it makes me feel old
like jeez, why are you asking me
i am the younger sister, the girl
who had a twilight phase of nearly unrivaled intensity
I’ve become a pillar of strength
i haven’t seen myself with brown hair in 6 years.
The only thing i remember about having it
With any kind of accuracy
was being in puerto vallarta in 6th grade
seeing myself reflected in the mirror finish of the new shopping center
i don’t remember what i look without it.
i’d love to shave my head.
i’d love to get tattoos
i’d love to join the circus
i’d love to totally commit to things that people joke about
i’d love to practice trapeze
until my hands blister and i am strong.
i am not as responsible as everyone seems to think.
i’m not proud of that.
i’m not sure who I am at all.