trains of past thoughts

I think I slept through the first half of this year –

I can barely remember the way my hands fiddled waiting for

college acceptances. At my senior prom, I slow-danced

with my crush. He told me he was joining the army

that fall.

the day of my graduation i won an award; lights

have never left me so blinded like the unexpected check i

received. My family screaming my name reminded me

of birds on Tuesday. Does anyone ever acknowledge birds

singing on a Tuesday morning?

One day in july, two weeks before

my eighteenth birthday,

I stood on my friend’s patio and watched

the sunrise. I thought about my

ex-boyfriend and the boy less than twenty feet

away from me who’s hands yearned for another

girl. my ex and that boy have the same name.

another thing I recognized when the orange and

pink sunrise lit my skin up was how i

was packing all my belongings and moving away

from the big city to a large college town for school. how

my major would change from

creative writing in to

psychology.

I consider myself full of unsolvable questions and

interesting observations about the life i surround

myself with. I wanted to fit in with the

movies, the pictures, the girls

who talk to their true loves about the world –

they reach for clouds, fingers loose like

my identity. I don’t look up to

those girls anymore. They were realistic

daydreams.

In the middle of December my

small feet ambled off a bus and

onto the streets of my city. The first

semester was over. I

looked around me – the

people have never looked so different. the

ground has never felt so much like

a cliff.

during my time away i made my own decisions,

my own mistakes. i did a lot that I shouldn’t have, kissed

a lot of boys I fantasized myself with, slept

in beds that weren’t mine.

being away from the city left me

internalizing everything I feel – i

stay to myself much more than I used

to. I write a lot less,

keep a lot more to myself. Still

figuring out if these people are my

family, my sisters.

 i don’t talk to a lot

of those people i knew in high school.

I missed my new friends already. but,

when i scroll through my phone

the only people i wanted to see were

those who joined me in july at

six in the morning,

chatting lightly and laughing, surrounding me,

letting me soak up their peace.

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