I felt the best way to talk about myself and why I don’t let (it) myself out is to relay the thoughts that go through my head in a single day:
How I remain mostly quiet and intensely debate with myself over everything,
I would begin by saying I am a reserved person and this is true sometimes ,
But when I am with my friends I feel free to say whatever I want.
And this is not uncommon, but I have a charisma that spills over into many of my silent moments
pervading the atmosphere like a strongly scented perfume that is overwhelming but not unpleasant
where I allow the unpenetrated silence to speak volumes.
Alot of times I would agree that I am too quiet, but then depending on the day, I will refute this
I would say that I am funny, but this is because the truth is intrinsically funny and wit is the best way to reveal the hidden humor of this character truth.
I open my eyes and find myself standing at my locker.
I can’t even remember waking up this morning.
And I couldn’t tell you how I got here right now.
Regardless, my homework is done and I resolve to go to class.
I open my locker.
It is pristine; the way I like it.
People walk by and chatter.
It makes no sense.
But I treat it as background to the music playing in my head.
My song is on and I am killing it.
I reign my voice in because I am surrounded by people
But I still go for it.
When all my books are stacked I go to class.
People pass by me in a blur and a hand on my shoulder stills me.
I turn and it is my friend.
She asks me a question.
She always makes me calm.
After answering her question, I walk away and continue singing as I wonder what it would have been like if I had been able to go.
I go to class.
I sit and listen as someone plays the piano as the track in my mind switches.
I hum as I recall the falsetto, and wave my hands
Like I am at church and I just heard a good sermon.
The bell rings and I space out only to come back and hear a prayer.
How did fifteen minutes pass already?
It feels like I just walked in.
The teacher talks and I politely listen but commentate in my head.
How does he go around without people calling him Shaggy.
Literally give him a huge talking brown dog and he is him
But he shouldn’t be mad though
Shaggy’s my kind of guy
He’s always got the snacks
Some things slip out
Everyone starts laughing
What’s so funny?
I guess I missed it.
I always miss it.
I mess with my hair.
I am conflicted.
How should I feel about it?
I don’t know.
I am self-conscious
I don’t want to be another statistic
I want to be proud of who I am and where I come from
That lady with the largest afro in the world is so cool
But that’s a lot of hair to take care of.
Still, I would like to run my fingers through it
Is there really any good thing that comes without sacrifice
For everything you have you must give something up in exchange.
It is as if every blessing comes with a curse
But sometimes the blessing is so great you forget the curse is even there
Sometimes good has that power
(Good/Love) It has the power to completely eradicate plagues of the spirit
I look at my fingernails
I like them long but I can’t get them to grow to the same length
My fingers look really pretty at certain angles
Am I the only one who feels a little better when they pay someone else a compliment
It is liberating not having to worry about who I give a compliment because I know who I am and I don’t care what other people may think
Love is amazing
It gets down deep within a person and heals a person completely
I always think about Hosea and his sacrifice for his wife.
I want a man like that, but I would hope that I treat him right
Love is precious
But it is the number one limited resource
But it is something that we all desire
I always find it interesting to think that we are one as a human race
We share the same air, the same home, the same emotions, the same anatomy
And we need each other to literally survive
If it were not for two people coming together we would not survive as a human race
My friend waves her hand in front of my face
She points to my untouched tray
I forgot we were at lunch.
I shovel food into my mouth during the last ten minutes of the period
My friends and I are joking and there is a swell of laughter around me as other people talk with their friends as well
The ebb and flow of quiet is as intriguing to me as the lapping of ocean water on a beach
It is peaceful enough to calm any wave of emotion in me
I struggle through the material in Physics
I am getting this, slowly but surely
College, Driving, and Pictures
All the pressing matters for a teenager
My friends talk about the colleges they want to go to and are applying to
Why am I so unsure
I am sure everything will work out fine but I won’t be able to rest until I do
I am thrusting myself into so much debt
The bell rings
Life won’t wait
I open the door and with that another day is gone.