A Universe Inside of Me

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Before you laugh in my face and tell me that it was my fault,

Know that I, am well aware

I fell for you and i thought I knew what I was doing

I thought I could play the game as well as the game master himself

People told me “no” time

after time

after time

But I was stupid, and foolish and selfish and I knew what I wanted

And I what I wanted was you

But I did not want what you gave me

I did not want to rely on you and I did not want what you did to me

And we said we were sorry and we told each other that it was okay

And I swear to god,

Out of my black eye I tried to look at you and see that you loved me

And when you screamed and told me that I was nothing I tried to hear that you loved me

And I spent all my time trying to see, or hear, or feel that you loved me

But all I saw was the monster I kept trying to turn back into a man

And all I heard was your screams and your insults and that you didn’t care at all

And all I felt was your hands around my throat and the bruises on my body and the fear that you installed in me

and while you were watching every tear fall from my face,

I was watching every star in your eye die out

I always hated who I was as a person, and that’s where I went wrong.

i truly believed that without you, I was nothing

I cried and I begged and I pleaded

I let you have all of the drugs and all of the sex you could ever need

All in exchange in the love you once had for me

And when I realized that I couldn’t get that back

I realized I couldn’t have myself back

This isn’t a poem about loving you or missing you

This isn’t a poem about wanting you back

This is a poem about me,

And what I went through

And what I will never allow myself to go through again

I will never put another man before myself

And I will never let anyone lay a hand on me

I will never allow myself to be fooled by the words that are said,

When I can see in the eyes the truth

I will never let anyone tell me that I am nothing,

Because I am far from nothing

And it has taken me a long time to realize that I am something

I was stripped of my clothes and shortly after that you stripped me of my identity

But I swear, never again will I let someone treat me worse than their cat in the house

I will rise above who you made me

And I will be better off without you than I ever was with you,

Because goddamnit I don’t need you or anyone for that matter,

To tell me what I am or what I am not

I don’t need to be told that I am nothing,

Nor do I need to be told that I am everything

Because I am a human

I have a universe inside of me

And whether you see it or not

Is not my concern anymore

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