why is it so hard for me to find happiness? maybe because that i don’t know whats happiness for me. i always dreamt of perfect love story, imagining how beautiful it would be to love someone and be loved but unfortunately i never got any feelings to anyone. i always think that maybe he’s the one or the other one i even think that i love them but thats not love i am just lying to myself. i alays wanted the perfect story like in the movies since childhood. ya i know i was quite a romantic kid. i don’t know what is wrong with me, i don’t know what i need for real happiness i know many o you will say that i will find it in the most unexpected moment of my life but what about now? i literally don’t think about anything else. even imagining myself with my other half is making me smile and overtime i meet someone i like i start doing that. what should i do how can i find the feeling I’m missing so much. i know that I’m a horrible person and don’t really deserve that i even like playing with other peoples feeling who fall for me but i just don’t feel the same and use it as a toy, source of joy and fun. my every thought is connected to the feeling love and i just want to experience it even if i loose it and get hurt its ok, because i even enjoy the feeling of loss something that i miss or just a simple melancholy. it is pretty hard to express everything with words but i am trying its worth a shot. i have done many horrible things and probably will do it again i know all my mistakes but never did i regretted it like a normal person. I’m lacking something maybe humanity or just simple feelings which exist in every human beings life. why did i have to be this way? why me? but the truth is that i don’t know if i even wanna change yes i say that its bad and ask why it had to be me but i can’t deny that i also like it, something that is making me different from others and something that i think that makes me stronger because no one can hurt me emotionally. i know sounds dumb every word i say right now but this is the way i am. or maybe i am deeply lost in my thoughts and everything around me maybe i just got into a role i don’t know maybe, but this doesn’t seem like acting to me. its so fucking hard to say what is going on into my head because even i don’t know the answer to that question. even tho no one is going to read this i am writing it god damn knows why. maybe i just need someone to talk to and make me see the things other way. even now see? i romanticised like some prince would come and save me. nowadays it is so hard to be honest even to ourselves, even we don’t know and realise the truth about us, we are so deeply gone in a role but some of us refuse to themselves and to others that its just an act. we all have vision of our perfect selves in our minds that we wanna make true but thats not us thats just a false version which we wanna be and will do no good to us, at least in my case can’t say that about everyone. and behind my confident face that no one can see through is hiding a little girl who thinks that sometimes she’s not good enough even tho she is, she builds walls so no one can get close to her hiding in the corner of the darkest thoughts, she has sharp teeth and long cloths to hurt everything and everyone who tries to get closer, who tries to overskirt her, who tries to get into her head and thoughts, she can seem confident hurt other break them into pieces but in fact she’s the one who’s truly broken and tries to make everyone the same way because she is selfish, she needs to feel that she is the best she is feeding with that but in fact she’s still as broken as she was from the start. sometimes she’s kind sometimes she’s pure evil and no one knows why even i myself can’t explain it. she always chooses the best concurrent to enjoy with the sound of their crushing bones and feel confident for a moment, but nothing lasts long how much people has she to destroy to be satisfied? she needs to stop but how!!! and here comes the thought about romance again. but isn’t it beautiful? the story like this to end the way i always wanted and dreamt of but unfortunately it won’t happen anytime soon now, till the time i will figure out everything by myself, cause in fact nobody will and nobody can save me except myself, no princes on white horse will come to rescue because it is a sick sad world where we are all alone against all the demons of our heads and against all the humans.
am i the only one with his thoughts?