Wall Clocks

Location

 


Another night with your face pressed against the pillow eyes tight mind wide
You've reached the end of this playlist a million times by now
And the pills on your desk don't seem to lull you in the way they claim
Next morning the bags under your eyes are prominent
You just don't want to talk today
Can't deal with the ticking tocks of the clocks on the walls
Or the sound of the constant squawking coming from up and down the halls
Are you okay they say, are you alright
And they offer to help find a way to make you sleep at night
But they can't 

"Why do you wear two watches" they say
"Why are there two on your wrist one around your neck and one in you pocket"
they say
And if you have all these watches
why do you still always look to the ones on the walls for guidance

The answer is always "why not" but that is a lie
The truth is that sometimes the tick of a clock is the only thing powerful
enough
To make a person stop
Make a person stop thinking stop connecting stop remembering stop worrying
All of the things happening all at once
In a ten pound sphere balancing in between your shoulders

Sometimes you need weapons in the armed race to fight against your worst enemy,
yourself
But the silent war has to be kept a secret
If people find out about the civil war in your mind they will want to help the
cause
Little do they know that there is not a winning side for them to choose because
in the end everyone is going to lose
And most of the time less is more when trying to fight one of these kinds of
wars

The one thing people have encouraged you to do all your life now tears you apart
and all you can wonder is why
Why do they tell you to think to care to take everyone's opinion into
consideration
Why is your mind hardwired to feel personally responsible for every minor detail
that goes wrong in yours and everyone else's lives
Why do you feel the need to make everyone happy but yourself
Why can you think of a solution for everybody else's  problems but your own
Why do I think this way

You are lying in your bed searching for something in the ceiling that doesn't
exist
The silence allows your mind to wander to your day, your mistakes, your worries
How your joke ended up ruining something you were unaware of
How you wonder if people hate you for what you've done in your past
You wonder why your father hasn't called for months and secretly wish him the
best in his new life
Why do these people tolerate me and when will they stop, what happens then?
You remember the things you did but regret, and the things you didn't and regret
not doing
Should I tell him, does she know, do I have to do that, I don't want to do this,
is this going to help my future, what if someone gets hurt, what if someone gets
in trouble, did I hurt their feelings, maybe I shouldn't do anything, I keep
messing up and now everything is completely and utterly STOP

Stop
The tick tock on the clock on your wrist
That's all it takes to break the chain
That constant pain of remembering and reminding of all the flaws and mistakes
you've made in your life
You sit back and you know if you did not stop you would be on the floor
due to all of your mistakes being lined up in a row being shown like a float in
the Macy's day parade

In bed at night you turn in your covers hoping to find salvation that's not
there
You get up and walk around without light
You've done it so many times you've memorized every nook and cranny of the floor
around you
You stumble around trying to find something or anything to quell the thoughts
racing through your head at a million miles a minute
but you won't
You go back to bed and spot the faint luminous glow of the light on your watch

They whisper to you in a sweet and kind voice,
You are not a bad person
Your mistakes do not define you for they are small and you are large
Please, my friend, do not waste our time

And for what feels like the first time in your life
You forgive yourself
Only to start the cycle again the next day.

 

 

Comments

Grant-Grey Porter Hawk Guda

Powerful expression! 

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