war.

Thu, 06/26/2014 - 10:22 -- Astod

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at a young age, 
most girls took the time
to plan their future wedding
with cakes and flowers
and music that kissed the crowd
and lights that danced the night away. 

But me, 
I was too busy
wondering why
anyone would want that
in the first place
because where I come from
the only thing that dances
are the shadows 
in the corners 
I found myself hiding in, 
and the only thing that gets kissed
is my father's ass 
whenever he was two beers deep
and feeling pretty entitled. 

the only future I ever saw for myself
that involved another man
was getting away 
from the ones in my life

because where I come from
the bruises and the booze
are far few in between 
and love was only shown
by a dollar sign 
nagging at my hand
crying take me
this means love
when it only really meant war. 

the only thing I ever felt 
remotely good at, 
was hiding away 
in the dark depths
of solitude. 
and I made a promise to myself
a long time ago, 
I would never lose myself
to gain love the way I saw it
and I would never feel love
the way it was shown to me
and I would never let someone
not hear what I have to say.

I told myself, 
that if I ever fell in love
it would never be someone
like me, or my father
or any of the men in my life. 
so I fell in love 
and fell in love hard
but then just as i felt myself falling, 
I slipped on the ground 
I was stuck on to
and I reverted to something much simpler, 
solitude. 

and all those promises I made to myself
got flushed away, 
by lack of affirmation 
and my fear of abandonment
because I'm not sure what's worse
not being able to formulate how you feel, 
or being too scared to feel at all.. 

I have been taught only 
what I was willing to teach myself
and I was too busy 
trapped in  dark corners
and tip toeing around circumstance
to teach myself how to feel properly
and my environment was so dark, 
I never gave myself a chance to see the light 
I have done many things wrong in my life, 
and you are not one.
but why do I feel so lost inside myself
like the hands of time 
are grasped around my neck
as I choke on every word I wish to say to you
I have become terrified of truth
and obsessed with affirmation
that soon I will lose 
the only thing I hold sacred 
and thats you. 

.... but I don't want to.

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