What Flashed Before My Eyes

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Now I know what it’s like to be dead
To live a life that is only in your head
To have lost life as I knew it
The obvious things; the senses, the movement
But also my abilities to accomplish, to grow
My abilities to change what I don’t like but know
My ability to say things the way they are
To people who would otherwise think that life is all harm

I know what it’s like to be incapable of judgment
I don’t take anything in, I am left unaffected
Here we all can be numb and protected
When nothing is worthy of being respected
Nothing worth pleasure, nothing worth a sacrifice
And nothing to sacrifice when there is no form of vice
No form of “I want something out of you, so I’ll be nice”
No blind faith, no guessing, we really know Christ

I can tell you what I wish I had done before
I wish I had written down just a little bit more
Some of us are made with more explaining to do
When images are made by what other people think of you
And when you’re dead and the image overshadows your life
What lasts is what you leave behind, not what you hide
Objects’ meanings are up to interpretation
But if they are made of words, they might at least know my reasons

My reasons for living my way, my hidden intentions
Why I wore clothes in high school that gave me detentions
Why certain things would increase my apprehension
What made others seem comfortable for me to mention
Life has reasons for things, for every reaction
They might be unknown, but they control every action
But without actions to do and reactions to give
A reason can only exist when you live

If I could have back all of the things that I lost
Not just what comes and goes, and not living’s cost
But the things in life that can never be lost
Like common sense, expectations, dangerous lines to cross
Would I take it? It felt like it wasted my time
It gave me a reason to feel I need rhymes
A need I wouldn’t have if our species got it right
Needs nobody would have for any type of strife

I wonder why general instinct is to stick with life
If there’s a reason they don’t question whether to survive
In a life with no finish lines, no ropes, no chains
No two moments would be forced to be the same
I’d had kisses, moments when bad things don’t happen
And I could say words whenever I had them
I could see a face back when it would see mine
And I had a value for things like time

My thoughts could matter too, if the good ones got shared
I could show someone else how it feels to care
Someone else who’s forgotten what it feels like
Cause we all forget things ‘til they’re in front of our eyes
Maybe that’s how what you see is such a part of your life
Why senses exist, and we have a brain cell supply
Why we shouldn’t face death until we’ve had our full life
Because we have a world where only memories survive

If someone like me could see what I saw that night
If they had an example of how it feels to give up their life
For the others around them, and for their own self
They might question the cons of giving up their health
Because even if lacking, health still is
We’ve all had short moments where we can feel bliss
They might be forgotten in long times of pain
When the badness is more, and there’s too much to blame

But when that one moment of bliss is better than perfection
Why give it away to forever have distraction
Long-term distraction is what kept me from satisfaction
Then permanent peace revived my attraction
An attraction I lost towards everything else
It controlled me so much I forgot myself
But attraction can sometimes be a disease
It can cause a person to misplace their ease

In a position like mine, with never-ending remorse
Where only I can have peace, but it acts like a sword
That sticks my guilt right through and never comes out
Leaving me with no options of any way out
I wish what I gave away was not all in vain
That it could show someone else who’d go the same way
What they’d be giving in, and what they’d receive in their trade
I wish my sacrifice could put off someone else’s last day

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