What I Can't Say (But Wish To)
Location
I feel like I messed up
like I misrepresented myself
to the point where you
don't know who I am.
Like I'm singing a song
on your off beats
with a syncopated rhythym you
haven't quite grasped yet.
I feel like you asked me
for the truth
and I responded with a lie
I hadn't realized was false yet.
Like I tried to say
what I feel, for real, inside,
but in the scrabble to
please
and fulfill my obligations,
the words I thought
lost their potency.
Spilling out of my mouth like poetry,
but instead of daggers
and shards of glass,
I gave you flowers and sunshine,
a rainbow of good feeling
I don't actually feel.
I don't feel in control anymore,
because I am lying to you.
I'm lying to you,
I can't
stop
lying to you.
Because sometimes the truth
is too difficult for me to face.
The monster under the bed
I'm ignoring until I have the experience points
and the skills to defeat him.
Surviving until I can gather
the courage to speak my mind.
And I'll keep lying to you
and crying alone
until I learn how to
face my own demons
and fly away.