When my abusive ex boyfriend showed on up on my recommended accounts on instagram

I was in the bathroom and I felt the wave come over me, my hands started to shake and I couldn’t make a single word escape my mouth...private...I couldn’t see anything but he was still there. I remember the things he used to say to me, how gentle he was when I was in pain but...private...he fucking never cared...private he’s still there...private he’ll see me and private he’ll come back and private he’ll win. He’ll fucking win. He always wins. He always wins because whenever I hear the words “Hey beautiful” I want to scrub myself clean...my boyfriend tells me “hey beautiful” and I want to scream...he’s there now in the back of my head and I want to learn everything about him again, want to see what he looks like again because all I have are broken memories. I want to believe that he isn’t what I think he is, I want to believe that he treated me differently. I sit in class, legs crossed and I can’t hear my teachers words...just background noise and the fucking song he sent me playing loudly in my head. The song playing loudly in my head follows me and whenever I hear the words “hey beautiful” I want to scream and he’s private and private and private and private and I just want to see. I want to make believe that it isn’t true. But make believe doesn’t shield me from the truth.

I sit at my computer with 3 tabs open, I stare at what I can get from his profile with the popup blocking it….”Would you give me a bj” his friend steven jokes...the other photo is of his favorite bands..I can’t read the names. I stare at it, sending all phonecalls to voicemail, I stare it and try to make sense of what I am looking at, is it really him? I blocked him, its not really him. I didn’t block him, it is him but, the storybook version of him. But, in the end its just me sitting alone with 3 tabs open and staring at the nothingness of what I have left.

Just broken memories and they are all private.