Why I Didn't Attend This Year's Family Reunion
- i’m not used to being this sad anymore
it’s like a distant relative that i once was very close to
until i realized that that relationship was toxic
and it took all of my strength to cut them off
these days i can’t stand the sound of their voice anymore
unlike how i was once unable to stand my own
- a year passes and it’s the annual family reunion
i haven’t seen them since the last one
they take a seat next to me and say
“we have so much to catch up on”
and although i turn my body away,
prepared to ignore their words
a part of me still listens and
i don’t know why
- i tell myself i’m engaging in the conversation to be polite
i’m simply entertaining them until they leave me alone
but they keep whispering things that i haven’t heard in so long
that i can’t help but be interested
they tell me, “i’ve missed you so much,”
without thinking i say, “i’ve missed you too,”
and i find that i mean it
- we become close again
they inspire me to write more
my writer’s block is suddenly gone because
how could i have writer’s block when there is just
so much sadness to write about?
- their voice is my favorite song
and mine is the broken guitar string and off-beat drum
- i suddenly remember every little thing
i used to hate about myself
- my lips my nose my hair my skin my hands
my mind my body my heart and soul
- i’m not used to being this sad anymore
but again when they tell me they’ll come over tomorrow
i answer, “please do,”
and i find that i mean it
- i’m not used to being this sad anymore
a part of me understands why i’ve missed it
- i’m not used to being this sad anymore
my art journal gets filled to the brim and
my laptop runs out of space from all of the sad poems i write and
why are creators driven by destruction
why do i insist that beauty must originate from sorrow
why can’t it come from a new beginning instead
- i block them everywhere
- i change the locks on the doors
- when i am asked if i’m going to the annual family reunion this year i politely decline
- i make no apologies and no excuses
- anything can be a new beginning if you allow it to be
- i’m not used to being this sad anymore
i don’t think i want to get used to it again