Why Me?

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I cannot understand my current emotions on the relationship I am in, I don’t understand how I feel anymore. My emotions don’t talk I have to but if I can’t understand them how I can explain them.

My brother is my breather, I am tensed around my Boyfriend and I can’t control it. I am depressed that I can’t represent emotions easily, and my apologies smack my heart in the face as if it’s dumb. I feel lost inside my emotions, trying to help others, I never ever look at my problems as they are larger than anyone else’s. My problems are small. I like to help others, but when it comes to my anima and my body I avoid my issues for the safety of others abrupt conservative emotions.

I avoid my contact with my boyfriend so I can think clearly before my mouth opens up to something left un- said, or something that doesn’t deserve attention. I need a breather or I can’t breathe. This might not apply nor matter to him, but I can’t hide how I feel anymore. I am under stress from ROTC and life in general. I don’t understand why, because I like stress. But the constant change of the significant others emotion’s lodge themselves into me and I can feel the emotions change my constant era of focus. I can’t breathe…

But under the constant era of focus I can clearly understand the audacity felt by him, and I can conclude that I am being un- diligent and not providing the same emotions that I should be for him. Tell me I am not, I dare… I can’t look at him for more than 6 seconds without feeling him entering my anima. It’s not a bad thing, but I know he knows when I am upset. My emotions speak louder than the music I play. They echo through the minds of others when I want them to close up and be buried away from life.

Now the worst has taken its toll and I can’t even stand in front of my teacher to explain it. I have let him and my 1st Sargent down but they unknowingly think this is the person they know when instantly this is what I have become. A broken record player by that I mean a person who runs on a needle that doesn’t outline normality but scratches the edges causing me to bleed out. Sadly the flow of tears used to exploit or vent these emotions locks up and only allows pain to boil as it fills up. Unknowingly not many notice this but assume, “That is just normal Kenyetta…Down in the dirt.” When dead on they know a down sad person is not the sane person of a happy person. With that said those people have just lost my Respect and I presume they are not people anymore just failures in society’s control of mind over matter. I hate my life right now, but I am still thankful for it. To be honest this world means nothing to me at all and I feel as if the people around me are actors instead of people.

Ending this I ask is love a person or is a person love because I believe the person loved is just their so you don’t run off and die. Sent from heaven so you can fulfill your purpose if you were sent down unstable and well I was. So in this born trial of light I have become cold and dark and feel numb to the world…

IMIBNE: I May Ingest the Beginning but Never the End… 

Guide that inspired this poem: 

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