In the passion of backseats,
Under the sweet melody of the radio,
Within the flickering street lamps that was their undying love
Sara and Johnny
Had sex.

And during the mating rituals
Spurred by rambunctious teenage hormones
Slamming into one another,
The course of biology and reproduction took place
Over
And over
Until Sara finally

Conceived.

Johnny
Was embarrassed and scared as hell.
Sara screamed at Johnny
A box of dollar store condoms at his feet
Like a knife that murdered Sarah’s dreams.
Passion
And poverty
Have never had the best relations

But in the back of that car
They had been laughing.
Their teeth clattering together in awkward kisses,
Their nervous bodies
Shaking and sweating under the heat
Of their own romance

Before there was yelling,
There was laughing.
Playful teasing in the back seats of cars.
Before Sara broke down in Johnny’s arms
Beating at his chest,
She had kept track of his heart beat
Tapping out the Morse code of every word Johnny couldn’t say.

Sara and Johnny
Had been in love.
Whatever that means,
To a couple of teenagers
Ignorant of the world and parenthood.

Johnny,
Sobbing and lost,
Told the woman of his dreams
“I’m so sorry
I never meant to hurt you
But
We don’t have to be parents just yet.”

Sara’s face
Grew blood red under the heat of her own tears,
But she knew
That she could never be the mother
She believed her daughter deserved.
Johnny left that day sickened by his own tongue
But his whispered words resonated through the chambers of her heart
All the way to the downtown clinic
Where Sara got an abortion

Sinner – Adulterer – Whore – Slut – Bastard – Baby Killer

Sara made the hardest decision she’d ever had to make.
She made what she thought was the best decision
And her closest friends called her a murderer.
While Sara’s mom held her tight
As she howled for her child that would never be
Her father
Cracked his hand across her acne scarred face.

Sara
Did not go to school that week.

When you’re called a killer enough times
You start believing it.

Her tired mother
Answered the door one day with a sad smile.
She carried a tender bundle of barely blooming flowers to her darkened room,
A card camouflaged amongst them.

Dear Sara,
I remember
Before there was crying,
There was laughing.

You have the most beautiful laugh.
It echoes.
Reverberates through the air
As if your lungs open up like an opera house.

I remember how you laughed
When I showed up late
To your 16th birthday party
With the most expensive box of chocolates I could afford
And meekly announced
“Surprise!”.

Warm party conversation swept across my chilled evening body.
Bond fire surf music soaked into my bones
Staring into your sea green eyes.

I want to hear you laugh again but don’t know how.
I’m lost in memories a thousand times treed,
They don’t even feel real anymore.
We ran through downtown at midnight
Made of neon signs and streetlights,
Made war on each other as our parents did.
We’re broken instruments
That still hold a tune
And I still want to make beautiful music with you,
Sad or otherwise.

I want to fix us.

I want to hear you laugh again.

I never meant to hurt you.
Especially not like this.

I still love you,
For all it’s worth.

Love,
Johnny