Words are a means to get our point across to others but this time my point is that words are not enough to tell you how I feel

So I need you to be silent because if you miss a word you'll lose the meaning and it's taken me so long to speak these words and I know I won't be repeating myself 

I'm telling you now that I lie more often than I tell the truth, I lie every day without fail, and the lie is always the same

I'm okay

And you know, the realization that you want to die is a strange one

Generally one that occurs at the bottom of a long slope that you've probably been falling down for quite some time

It starts with now wanting to be wherever you are

You want to leave, go somewhere else, but where you want to go isn't clear, just anywhere but here

Then that shifts, and you start to slide faster down that slope, suddenly you don't want to be anywhere, you just wanna stop, and maybe slip into a coma so you can fucking rest for a while

And once you're that far down, you're just a step away from waking up wanting to die

And a lot of times, it's not "I wanna kill myself"

It's just, somehow, I want to stop existing because I can't stand breathing anymore

And it manifests in ways you wouldn't expect

Imagine hearing  about somebody dying in the hospital, and your first thought is "lucky"

Not wearing a seatbelt because you heard that they increase your chances of dying by 45%, and you like those odds

Fantasizing about just happening to trip and fall while standing at the top of that ledge that always seems thinner than it actually is because it would be so easy wouldn't it, just one misstep and it wuld all be over wouldn't it

And it doesn't matter if you're happy at the time, or if you're out with friends having a good time

It's always there, quietly, so quietly, reminding you that at any given moment, you would rather not exist, because it gets so hard sometimes 

And I don't know if suicidal is the right word, because I don't to kill myself

But I don't want to live either

And believe me, I want to feel like I'm worth something, I want to feel like everything's going to be okay

But I don't realistically see myself having a future

And so many times people have looked at me and told me to try harder, and it hurts when they say that because I AM

I'm trying so hard all the time, I really am, and it's not working and I hate it so much, so goddamn much, that I

I just wanna die

And when you hear me say this, don't you dare feel sorry for me, because these words are not a cry for help or a sob story to be reported to the masses so that people can take pity on me 

Because I am more than a low day or a year of recovery that still leaves me halfway to nowhere and getting there slowly

I am more that pent up rage and doubt that chokes me every time I try to speak

I am more than tears that never fell, words I never spoke, secrets I've kept for so long that the lies that cover them up feel like a second skin over me heart

What I am

Is getting better and better every day

And even if I never arrive at that beautiful tomorrow where life is more than worth living, where tears, when they fall, are brushed away by a kind hand, where fear is just a word and not a state of mind

At least I'll have gone somewhere 

And that's something