A year ago | Loss turned grief took you from me | Today

Thu, 10/18/2018 - 01:27 -- Pbum8

And then three years later and look at us now..

We were talking about marriage & having some kids in the house.

Man nothing ruins a relationship quicker than doubt.

Used to say you were so confident in what we had.

Determined to stick by me through the good and the bad.

Said nothing could ever change the way that you feel.

Now I’m sitting here wondering if all that was real?

Wasn’t a week before, we were planning our future.

Then you ripped my heart out, where the fuck are the sutures?

Gave my life up for you because You said this would last.

Quit my job, left my friends, put it all in my past.

How did you learn how to act? You did it so damn well.

Told me you loved me til the moment that you sent me to hell.

Swear I don’t wanna dwell, I wanna move past this.

But my heart is not like yours, I just can’t resist

the chance to say how I feel. To always be real.

To never let you wonder what the fuck is the deal.

The worst part about it is that I can’t even hate you.

And if I could go back in time, i would still date you.

Maybe change a few things, like when the distance grew.

Make sure my phone didn’t get more attention than you.

Yes I know I had flaws, I couldn’t focus on you

My grief was in control, causing us all to lose.

When my best friend passed away I felt like I couldn’t move.

Like I was stuck in a hole, like I couldn’t see light,

when it was right in front of me, there, every night.

Asking me to come to bed or get off the couch.

Asking me to go somewhere just to get out the house.

You tried so hard- but I guess I just wasn’t ready.

The feelings that I felt, I guess that they were too heavy.

But everything ends — both the good and the bad,

you shoulda stuck around to see me NOT be sad.

I know it took so long but how could you just quit?

You got resentment cause I didn’t heal in your time limit?

Now you know that ain’t fair, but it is what it is,

you made the choice to let us go and that Decision was it.

Now strangers again, we don’t even talk.

I tried to text you but I get ignored and then I get blocked.

Don’t even know who you are, don’t recognize these new scars.

Won’t give myself up again because this shit is too hard.

Can’t stand to be cut out, I don’t deserve this shit.

But this is how we ended up, we couldn’t swerve this shit.

Just know I may not be perfect 

but you can’t know what you’d do

if you were in my shoes and lost your best friend too 

grief can change you in ways I know that you don’t get

and honestly I’m thankful that you haven’t been through it

i know I’m different now but I’ve forgiven myself 

no one can teach you how to cope with your own version of hell

i did the best I could, I tried more than you know

and you’re not the only one who thought my progress was slow

I hated that shit, feeling so damn alone

but the one I would have called couldn’t pick up the phone

its a hard reality and a damn nightmare

then to top it off you left me feeling empty and scared

sometimes I still feel mad sometimes I think of you

i started writing this after you left and now it’s BEEN through

its been over a year and I will always love you

its harder to accept when I’ve got no reason to hate you 

we had it all figured out

then life punched us in the mouth 

and the only time you hurt me was when you walked out

so I constantly wonder 

what if you would have stayed 

we had no damn issues other than my pain

i guess it’s useless to ponder things I’ll never know

just be careful when grief knocks on your own window 

remember us and our story, You’ll see it different now 

and whoever’s there to love you, please help them out  

I’m gonna end this now, I hope you’re happier free.

I hope you found what you need in life, without me. 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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